some people weren't beat the fuck up enough as children

I don't like condoms




But I like em a shitload more than I like kids

Ever make a wish on a star and then realize its was a helicopter

There's a lot of girls with a sluttering problem on twitter.

Someday I wanna be a stay at home dad.... without the kids

I wouldn't say I'm the epitome of health




But only cuz I don't know what the word epitome means

As a kid I collected comic books, as an adult I collect regrets

Just pretend I said something really funny here and star

"I'll make sure Chick-Fil-A is open on Sunday" - anti-Romney campaign slogan #DJ50Mac

My gf thinks its my leg touching her leg under the table but really it's my dick.

I don't think rich guys can tell the difference between chicks your supposed to fuck, and chicks your supposed to marry

My superpower is being able to sober up before I have to be at work

Terrance Howard is black in name only

Whenever I make my gf drinks it's really cute when she asks "What's in this,so go.." then it's adorable when she passes out & stops talking.

I think everyone is hip to the fact that only assholes drive Camaros seeing as I've been pulled over twice in the last 3 weeks

I dunno what the medical definition is, but if you snore when your awake, your morbidly obese

The BET version of the New Girl is called Naw Gurl

Stared someone's @ on accident


fuck it, letting it ride

Drinking apple juice reminds me of being a kid, probably cuz it's the only juice I haven't tried to add alcohol to

My brain just shits out tweets in bunches then is constipated for a week