I bet minimalists hate using four syllable words. Like minimalist.

I saw another gargoyle on a roof today. What a depressed species.

Romans killed for fun, but cuddled when they were pissed.

Some genies crawl into a bottle and never leave. Mainly the ones battling alcoholism.

What happens when the guy I live vicariously through dies?

A guy's life must be over when he flunks out of dueling school.

I wonder if radio hosts get hair and makeup before shows.

I predicted my snow globe's weather for the next fifty years, and I only read one Farmer's Almanac.

I wonder when fat people die and see that small light at the end of the tunnel, if they ever think,"how am i supposed to fit through that?"

People complain about the living situation on a crashing airplane, but my view of the lake has only gotten better.

On busy streets, some potholes are secretly swimming holes.

In a major city, the town drunk isn't embarrassing. Just impressive.

I wonder if the secret police know that they exist.

Carousel themed strip club: The Ass Menagerie

If an air marshal was on a private plane, I bet he’d keep a close eye on himself.

An angry mob headed towards a barbecue. They were carrying tiki torches.

I just survived a model train crash. I’ll never set foot on one again.

I want to live fast and slow at the same time. Like a chubby rock star.

I bet the Brooklyn Bridge did something really cool to get suspended.

The other day I thought my favorite stuffed animal died. Now it just sits in my apartment, double stuffed and used as an end table.