Plucky toothbrush-holder insists: "I'm fine! It looks way worse than it is!". http://t.co/MdxIBzMV

@chriswarcraft You come in here, still smelling like real life, and expect us to just take you back?

Attempted to have a bath. I am 6'2". The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.

“Daddy, why did you write your name on Mummy’s “Things To Do” notepaper?” … “Oh, well, I, uh … hey, would you like a Twizzler?”

"Is my nose a bone?"
"Not exactly, there are little bones and cartilage, like what sharks are made of."
"Sharks are made of noses?"
"Yes."

Old man in the pharmacy aisle farted like a walrus playing an accordion made of sausages. Nodded my approval. He saluted at me. What a hero!

This is the furthest I've ever got. Silence after 2 answers was my previous PB. pic.twitter.com/EhxXET5d

Bought a cheap Windows 8 PC (for work). It's like trying to solve a Rubik's Magic, using the controls on an Etch-a-Sketch. With your teeth.

When people say "the oldest trick in the book", what book is that? Are tricks listed chronologically? Ooh, I hope it's called a Tricktionary

Told daughter that the spider plant in her bedroom could probably use a drink. She gave it some water. In a glass. Placed next to the plant.

Hanging in the pocket! Tight end sacks! Slot penetration! Drilled in the endzone! Coming from behind! Sunday Night EUPHEMISMBALL!

It took me quite a while to realise that <3 doesn’t mean testicles with a wizard hat.

Gosh, these Westboro people sound like what we’d get if some creepy government agency spilled radioactive waste on a YouTube comment thread.

2 year-old is getting frustrated with the computer. Screams “EES NOT WORKIN”, shakes the mouse & shits her pants.
*hands her an IT diploma*

Just overheard my wife delicately explaining to my daughter why One Direction are actually a bit shit.

Testicles wizard hat that woman. <3

TV advert boasts: "Real people, not actors". Actors aren't real people? Are actors lemurs? They're lemurs aren't they! I bet they're lemurs.

Tweeting about “Judge Dredd” and my phone wanted to change it to “Grudge Duck”, so I guess I just invented a new super villain.

I wonder what Daniel Craig’s secret is for his James Bond physique? I wonder if it’s toast? I bet it’s toast.

*eats toast*

There is no day so shitty as to not be entirely fixable by a chap’s 5 year old daughter asking endless brilliant questions about outer space

Fell asleep on the floor of my closet again which, as I’m sure you all know, is #4 from “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People”.