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  • bumlaser
      nick @bumlaser

    Gift @bumlaser Favstar Pro to unlock their best tweet!Gift them Pro!

    • 266
    • LIKES
    augtopiaAndLive2LovejongillenDeviliciouslyJohnLyonTweetsThisBlondeLife__southbaysuemoonlover01
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  • bumlaser
      nick @bumlaser

    When people say "the oldest trick in the book", what book is that? Are tricks listed chronologically? Ooh, I hope it's called a Tricktionary

    • 144
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    AcidJellyAndLive2LoveMerikDtheevilwriterenricopalazzo4keklein23lovenlionsOhighIsis
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  • bumlaser
      nick @bumlaser

    Switched my phone to “Airplane Mode” and threw it off the roof.

    “Airplane Mode” is a lie.

    • 88
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    AndLive2LoveshipnazMichabeanShock_Monster__iamhorcruxMischiefPixie13Maybe_Tumorrowmotorlying
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  • bumlaser
      nick @bumlaser

    Reading to the 4y/o from a book about quantum theory.

    "Daddy, the cat in the box is dead."

    "How do you know?"

    "It died of boring."

    • 101
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    AddisonOrdotterJoeysCafeSLwortwerkenLibbyKerenskyPeteGunardNamelessDream3rMBiddiscombePeterOuld
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  • bumlaser
      nick @bumlaser

    Attempted to have a bath. I am 6'2". The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.

    • 114
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  • bumlaser
     
    nick @bumlaser

    @colinmeloy "He had always admired his brother's pump-action, with the tactical grip and the smaller butt..." #bundyeroticfanfic

    • 136
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  • bumlaser
      nick @bumlaser

    "Is my nose a bone?"
    "Not exactly, there are little bones and cartilage, like what sharks are made of."
    "Sharks are made of noses?"
    "Yes."

    • 86
    • LIKES
    AndLive2LoveJohnLyonTweetsDr0p0fGoldenSun__MichabeanShock_Monster__iGreenMonkstartintohappenMohamdWalaa
    • 74
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  • bumlaser
      nick @bumlaser

    It took me quite a while to realise that <3 doesn’t mean testicles with a wizard hat.

    • 66
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    AndLive2LoveJane___JonesmarynicolegNitinKapoor2020wifewithabsPharaoh_DezbathdivewhispererFreekOnnaLeash
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  • bumlaser
      nick @bumlaser

    Sign in the aircraft loo indicates that I should strut back to my seat like a fancyman. pic.twitter.com/zy0LFedy0R

    • 104
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    nixnadaGasbagTheRulerSeptimus216lowdudgeonchris_stellerleftyjennycbluejay4444AtticusFinch917
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  • bumlaser
      nick @bumlaser

    Mentioned to the 6 year-old that working from home can sometimes get a bit lonely. My desk is now covered in stuffed animals.

    • 93
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    augtopiaAndLive2LoveamishschoolBerezowskiJDKJane___JonesSpirit4Life3jennybean56DreamyIdealist3
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    AndLive2Lovestrwbryblndnrsejennybean56DreamyIdealist3anna_morgeHorcruxyDarqueQueen7Alex_LaVallee
  • bumlaser
      nick @bumlaser

    Told daughter that the spider plant in her bedroom could probably use a drink. She gave it some water. In a glass. Placed next to the plant.

    • 61
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    hadimnorThisBlondeLife__NotOnDrugsSami____thotsnlyrics__DudePerfect2012rainsuttonNathan_Fialagingerfaced
    • 69
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  • bumlaser
      nick @bumlaser

    “Daddy, why did you write your name on Mummy’s “Things To Do” notepaper?” … “Oh, well, I, uh … hey, would you like a Twizzler?”

    • 47
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    Alex_LaValleetheevilwriterabhishekbelmarlovenlionsBrissonJeremyRevvyrev920PinkCamoTOilona_purk
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  • bumlaser
      nick @bumlaser

    Plucky toothbrush-holder insists: "I'm fine! It looks way worse than it is!". http://t.co/MdxIBzMV

    • 29
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  • bumlaser
    • 68
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  • bumlaser
      nick @bumlaser

    Old man in the pharmacy aisle farted like a walrus playing an accordion made of sausages. Nodded my approval. He saluted at me. What a hero!

    • 44
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    iGreenMonkReverend_Scottruraljulesdirkwiggler99jon_aleyAddMusicMammasfreeze6Cmd7575
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  • bumlaser
      nick @bumlaser

    Terrified of flying? Don't worry, AIRPORT GRIM REAPER is here to calm your nerves! Thanks AIRPORT GRIM REAPER! pic.twitter.com/anKLp3st0R

    • 31
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    perlucidumHalbeerzChristianPlantePink c7c724009e8f4d0c6d8805eefb4b89b9acb0f4821b615e8477b1ccce06f00489Turquoise 3920978bc8e760e88ff1b5f4b6c6485504d54e627c683404ff5edcdd1965195bBlue 8ecb9576f845646616aefdaddb05ecb2f8621ec49872862148c8b0c7037321eeOrange b84cb5b0e8a91792142f61a8603f805cfdcc290e671611b01e3034bbe45385bdTurquoise 3920978bc8e760e88ff1b5f4b6c6485504d54e627c683404ff5edcdd1965195b
    • 38
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    Green 1c3c0fbf30d43b2d0f900656f66f5eae8e37e59f1e16a635ac6abd732e4f4269Blue 8ecb9576f845646616aefdaddb05ecb2f8621ec49872862148c8b0c7037321eeGreen 1c3c0fbf30d43b2d0f900656f66f5eae8e37e59f1e16a635ac6abd732e4f4269Green 1c3c0fbf30d43b2d0f900656f66f5eae8e37e59f1e16a635ac6abd732e4f4269Red ce42bd876ca6a5984afb86010c411d0e766144e76a5584dae022d9f799b4884aTurquoise 3920978bc8e760e88ff1b5f4b6c6485504d54e627c683404ff5edcdd1965195bOrange b84cb5b0e8a91792142f61a8603f805cfdcc290e671611b01e3034bbe45385bdTurquoise 3920978bc8e760e88ff1b5f4b6c6485504d54e627c683404ff5edcdd1965195b
  • bumlaser
      nick @bumlaser

    They call me The Hunter … pic.twitter.com/i8CVzqKtwl

    • 36
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    iGreenMonkMmMmMCoffeeeReverend_ScottAlex_LaValleestepho104TheSwanDoncourtland_adamsItsMikeyS
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    ItsMikeyStswarbsJimTheSGsamarydCaliforniaKaraPIOGregdesertestrelladmh3rd
  • bumlaser
      nick @bumlaser

    Skrillex sounds like a cow giving birth inside a dial-up modem.

    • 36
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    JVarsityCaptainRicockulous85thatswutshisedJAKE75076ohioschrisshockBBWbabygirl13_KizzzyiGreenMonk
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  • bumlaser
      nick @bumlaser

    "Daddy? Please can you help me with my Star Wars game?"

    "Sure kiddo, gimme the controller."

    *shoots Jar Jar Binks*

    "There ya go sweetie."

    • 37
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    Alex_LaValleeOrvllShrednbchr__YourKynessJust_Oh_Susanna__DanieChasejnbauerProbgoblinDadandBuried
    • 26
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    YourKynessTru2007DadandBuriedTheDailySchmuckitsmemistydawnitssinnerDenyThisFleshDirtyHarryBD
@bumlaser

@bumlaser

Guitarist, web developer and nonsensetronaut. Expat. Wombfruit wrangler. Dog chum. Space junkie. Animal Cracker enthusiast. Secular. Wordnerd. Chaotic Good.

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