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Sent 3yo to her room to find underpants. She came back stark-naked, playing a harmonica.
NO PATERNITY TEST REQUIRED.
When people say "the oldest trick in the book", what book is that? Are tricks listed chronologically? Ooh, I hope it's called a Tricktionary
Switched my phone to “Airplane Mode” and threw it off the roof.
“Airplane Mode” is a lie.
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6'2". The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
"Is my nose a bone?"
"Not exactly, there are little bones and cartilage, like what sharks are made of."
"Sharks are made of noses?"
It took me quite a while to realise that <3 doesn’t mean testicles with a wizard hat.
Mentioned to the 6 year-old that working from home can sometimes get a bit lonely. My desk is now covered in stuffed animals.
Told daughter that the spider plant in her bedroom could probably use a drink. She gave it some water. In a glass. Placed next to the plant.
“Daddy, why did you write your name on Mummy’s “Things To Do” notepaper?” … “Oh, well, I, uh … hey, would you like a Twizzler?”
Old man in the pharmacy aisle farted like a walrus playing an accordion made of sausages. Nodded my approval. He saluted at me. What a hero!
Skrillex sounds like a cow giving birth inside a dial-up modem.
"Daddy? Please can you help me with my Star Wars game?"
"Sure kiddo, gimme the controller."
*shoots Jar Jar Binks*
"There ya go sweetie."
My phone just made a noise like a duck chewing on a balloon, and I have no idea what it wants.
Bought a cheap Windows 8 PC (for work). It's like trying to solve a Rubik's Magic, using the controls on an Etch-a-Sketch. With your teeth.
The “government” of the grubby peasant colonials has been disabled. Phase 2 of the re-colonisation may now begin.
*awaits tea and medals*
Spilled tuna all over myself. Mouth tried to say “Fucksake!”. Brain went: “No wait! The kids! Say something else!”
British #guitar wrangler, web-developer and transatlantic explorer. Father of two wombfruits, noted clown-loather and nonsenstronaut. Writer for @SeymourDuncan.