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Sent 3yo to her room to find underpants. She came back stark-naked, playing a harmonica.
NO PATERNITY TEST REQUIRED.
When people say "the oldest trick in the book", what book is that? Are tricks listed chronologically? Ooh, I hope it's called a Tricktionary
Switched my phone to “Airplane Mode” and threw it off the roof.
“Airplane Mode” is a lie.
Reading to the 4y/o from a book about quantum theory.
"Daddy, the cat in the box is dead."
"How do you know?"
"It died of boring."
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6'2". The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
"Is my nose a bone?"
"Not exactly, there are little bones and cartilage, like what sharks are made of."
"Sharks are made of noses?"
It took me quite a while to realise that <3 doesn’t mean testicles with a wizard hat.
Mentioned to the 6 year-old that working from home can sometimes get a bit lonely. My desk is now covered in stuffed animals.
Told daughter that the spider plant in her bedroom could probably use a drink. She gave it some water. In a glass. Placed next to the plant.
“Daddy, why did you write your name on Mummy’s “Things To Do” notepaper?” … “Oh, well, I, uh … hey, would you like a Twizzler?”
Old man in the pharmacy aisle farted like a walrus playing an accordion made of sausages. Nodded my approval. He saluted at me. What a hero!
Skrillex sounds like a cow giving birth inside a dial-up modem.
"Daddy? Please can you help me with my Star Wars game?"
"Sure kiddo, gimme the controller."
*shoots Jar Jar Binks*
"There ya go sweetie."
"If you take too long to go to sleep, the Easter Bunny sends his friend the Broccoli Dog instead."
*drops parenting mic*
"Hey Daddy, can you show me pictures of how I got inside Mummy's tummy?"
No, ask your mother.
British guitarist, web-developer and transatlantic explorer. Father to a brace of wombfruits, noted clown-loather and nonsenstronaut. Chaotic Good.
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