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  • bumlaser
      Nick Beatty @bumlaser

    Sent 3yo to her room to find underpants. She came back stark-naked, playing a harmonica.

    NO PATERNITY TEST REQUIRED.

    • 266
    • FAVS
    augtopiaAndLive2LovejongillenDeviliciouslyJohnLyonTweetsThisBlondeLifesouthbaysuemoonlover01
    • 167
    • RETWEETS
    jenniferland_AndLive2LoveSAHMommyOf4jongillenstillborn86devlonmcewenrainsuttonhotjamalle
  • bumlaser
      Nick Beatty @bumlaser

    When people say "the oldest trick in the book", what book is that? Are tricks listed chronologically? Ooh, I hope it's called a Tricktionary

    • 143
    • FAVS
    AndLive2LoveMerikDtheevilwriterenricopalazzo4keklein23lovenlionsOhighIsisGr3yZer0
    • 173
    • RETWEETS
    AndLive2LoveKeeze_StrangeFlashHeart59milesdansDrizXOTRILLBlackLosTheDailySchmuckAcidicKnives
  • bumlaser
      Nick Beatty @bumlaser

    Switched my phone to “Airplane Mode” and threw it off the roof.

    “Airplane Mode” is a lie.

    • 88
    • FAVS
    AndLive2Love7vtxaMichabeanShock_MonsteriamhorcruxMischiefPixie13Maybe_Tumorrowmotorlying
    • 144
    • RETWEETS
    iamhorcruxsirgidiiOkeke__PatOski_kkhushi24Watsaysahi_hai_yaarDjinn_Carrey
  • bumlaser
      Nick Beatty @bumlaser

    Attempted to have a bath. I am 6'2". The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.

    • 114
    • FAVS
    AndLive2Lovekallen_0dougkswagRashadJohnsonnThisBlondeLifemoonlover01rainsuttonohitskellzzz
    • 73
    • RETWEETS
    wallen_13BravesK8lanYellow_Bunniesrainsuttonhotjamalleomgloletcetcrolliefavstar1000favs
  • bumlaser
      Nick Beatty @bumlaser

    "Is my nose a bone?"
    "Not exactly, there are little bones and cartilage, like what sharks are made of."
    "Sharks are made of noses?"
    "Yes."

    • 86
    • FAVS
    AndLive2LoveJohnLyonTweetsDr0p0fGoldenSun__MichabeanShock_MonsteriGreenMonkAlisonBFLMohamdWalaa
    • 74
    • RETWEETS
    katharinepriWBlanceThatGingyhashtagbluntsJohnSpacedowGinaValleyNotaFunnyLadyIlliter8
  • bumlaser
      Nick Beatty @bumlaser

    It took me quite a while to realise that <3 doesn’t mean testicles with a wizard hat.

    • 66
    • FAVS
    AndLive2LoveJane___JonesmarynicolegNitinKapoor2020wifewithabsPharaoh_DezbathdivewhispererFreekOnnaLeash
    • 90
    • RETWEETS
    AlvinmunkiCammyD4AlejaasssBrittanyHannoNitinKapoor2020Horcruxyk8ismthdivewhisperer
  • bumlaser
      Nick Beatty @bumlaser

    Mentioned to the 6 year-old that working from home can sometimes get a bit lonely. My desk is now covered in stuffed animals.

    • 93
    • FAVS
    augtopiaAndLive2LoveamishschoolBerezowskiJDKJane___JonesSpirit4Life3jennybean56DreamyIdealist3
    • 55
    • RETWEETS
    AndLive2Lovestrwbryblndnrsejennybean56DreamyIdealist3anna_morgeHorcruxyDarqueQueen7Alex_LaVallee
  • bumlaser
      Nick Beatty @bumlaser

    Told daughter that the spider plant in her bedroom could probably use a drink. She gave it some water. In a glass. Placed next to the plant.

    • 61
    • FAVS
    hadimnorThisBlondeLifeNotOnDrugsSami____thotsnlyricsDudePerfect2012rainsuttonNathan_Fialagingerfaced
    • 69
    • RETWEETS
    devlonmcewenrainsuttonhotjamalleFavstar500FavsPipersPapersjan_spscrotchfruitsfivealmostsix
  • bumlaser
      Nick Beatty @bumlaser

    “Daddy, why did you write your name on Mummy’s “Things To Do” notepaper?” … “Oh, well, I, uh … hey, would you like a Twizzler?”

    • 47
    • FAVS
    Alex_LaValleetheevilwriterabhishekbelmarlovenlionsBrissonJeremyRevvyrev920MeaghanTOIlona1204
    • 42
    • RETWEETS
    KerryWerrysahmiamx2Revvyrev920dancefeverbarbiRolltide_mnTheDailySchmuckHatesNiceThingsJohnLyonTweets
  • bumlaser
      Nick Beatty @bumlaser

    Plucky toothbrush-holder insists: "I'm fine! It looks way worse than it is!". http://t.co/MdxIBzMV

    • 29
    • FAVS
    Shock_MonsteriGreenMonkReverend_ScottAlex_LaValleeocourtneynosfjdotcomDannyONeill1987erinbharrelson
    • 59
    • RETWEETS
    TroyBenedictSavannah1408dthyproblemsdentaljokesamiras1Shazkins1975CaliforniaKarajofreebird
  • bumlaser
      Nick Beatty @bumlaser

    Old man in the pharmacy aisle farted like a walrus playing an accordion made of sausages. Nodded my approval. He saluted at me. What a hero!

    • 44
    • FAVS
    iGreenMonkReverend_Scottruraljulesdirkwiggler99jon_aleyAddMusicMammasfreeze6Cmd7575
    • 29
    • RETWEETS
    AddMusicMammacupcakelyndaYoGattoGattoshredsurfTheDailySchmuckyanosh_vanoshmzHillBilli______AllTheSausages
  • bumlaser
    • 36
    • FAVS
    iGreenMonkMmMmMCoffeeeReverend_ScottAlex_LaValleestepho104TheSwanDoncourtland_adamsItsMikeyS
    • 32
    • RETWEETS
    ItsMikeyStswarbsJimTheSGsamarydCaliforniaKaraPIOGregBlazingLilydmh3rd
  • bumlaser
      Nick Beatty @bumlaser

    Skrillex sounds like a cow giving birth inside a dial-up modem.

    • 36
    • FAVS
    JVarsityCaptainRicockulous85thatswutshisedJAKE75076ohioschrisshockBBWbabygirl13_KizzzyiGreenMonk
    • 29
    • RETWEETS
    hereatthehousedjcelrockBBWbabygirl13HeAintReally_KizzzymasonasonsAlex_LaValleeBrendtKelcey
  • bumlaser
      Nick Beatty @bumlaser

    "Daddy? Please can you help me with my Star Wars game?"

    "Sure kiddo, gimme the controller."

    *shoots Jar Jar Binks*

    "There ya go sweetie."

    • 37
    • FAVS
    Alex_LaValleeOrvllShrednbchrYourKynessJust_Oh_SusannaDanieChasejnbauerGr3yZer0DadandBuried
    • 26
    • RETWEETS
    YourKynessTru2007DadandBuriedTheDailySchmuckitsmemistydawnitssinnerDenyThisFleshDirtyHarryBD
  • bumlaser
     
    Nick Beatty @bumlaser

    @chriswarcraft You come in here, still smelling like real life, and expect us to just take you back?

    • 47
    • FAVS
    Reverend_ScottAlex_LaValleeAnnieSullivan_NateOConnor3shiftynjandrewkublyMrLewisFvenilegivici
    • 13
    • RETWEETS
    AnnieSullivan_troyquaifeTheJakeOverminnesotatracychynnaaaaDesmond_Fettmontanamissoulablom_alex
  • bumlaser
      Nick Beatty @bumlaser

    My phone just made a noise like a duck chewing on a balloon, and I have no idea what it wants.

    • 30
    • FAVS
    Jane___JonesSpirit4Life3anna_morgeNordlicht1906Grundoon67alangdon17YoGattoGattowpgcakegirl
    • 15
    • RETWEETS
    Alex_LaValleeHeather2944FlashHeart59amiromar321TheDailySchmuckmatt_travellingSIMM40ModerateBender
  • bumlaser
      Nick Beatty @bumlaser

    Bought a cheap Windows 8 PC (for work). It's like trying to solve a Rubik's Magic, using the controls on an Etch-a-Sketch. With your teeth.

    • 24
    • FAVS
    Alex_LaValleeExpediteplanbFattMernandezTheDailySchmuckJohnLyonTweetsJVarsityCaptainTabneriumLaurenAlexande3
    • 21
    • RETWEETS
    colinocolinchampsuperstarTheDailySchmuckChaChaChattyAlex_LaValleeAnnieSullivan_byronminickVickyH101
  • bumlaser
      Nick Beatty @bumlaser

    This is the furthest I've ever got. Silence after 2 answers was my previous PB. pic.twitter.com/EhxXET5d

    • 14
    • FAVS
    iGreenMonkReverend_ScottAlex_LaValleeocourtneynoShnerfleBexwaNinaDAleokit_hill
    • 22
    • RETWEETS
    julescartwrightgrahamfcassidyrichcousinspippamayStephrahkatrinarosebSuzaF1Conflake88
  • bumlaser
      Nick Beatty @bumlaser

    The “government” of the grubby peasant colonials has been disabled. Phase 2 of the re-colonisation may now begin.

    *awaits tea and medals*

    • 16
    • FAVS
    Alex_LaValleeOliviaViolet120writerPTJVarsityCaptainthatswutshisedReverend_Scott20of3theMorganHolmes
    • 18
    • RETWEETS
    OmarKhyamiamwriterPTAlex_LaVallee20of3theMorganHolmesmelfroseOlympedeGougesCrucialTK
  • bumlaser
      Nick Beatty @bumlaser

    Spilled tuna all over myself. Mouth tried to say “Fucksake!”. Brain went: “No wait! The kids! Say something else!”

    “CUNTBAGS!”

    *slow-clap*

    • 21
    • FAVS
    lidbertCymruBoyoMooroMilitiaSmileyjim68SarahLCarsonjess_mccoyCactusWren75agreenmartian
    • 12
    • RETWEETS
    askygoneonfireMooroMilitiaCAChurch_cerberus_steveuk9799NikkiGuestdexychikstevenperkins
@bumlaser

@bumlaser

British #guitar wrangler, web-developer and transatlantic explorer. Father of two wombfruits, noted clown-loather and nonsenstronaut. Writer for @SeymourDuncan.