Tumblr is full of functioning alcoholics. Twitter is full of concise functioning alcoholics.

If you accidentally type 'me' instead of 'my' in a text I read it in a pirate voice. Always.

Based on the look on the cashier's face, you would think nobody had asked him which adult toys are dishwasher safe before.

My son's whining about having to write a 1,000 word essay. I told him to get a grip...that's less than 10 tweets, I do that before lunch!

I'm not willing to show my tits, wear skanky outfits or act helpless or stupid on here for attention. It's not like I'm at work.

If I open a conversation by saying "With all due respect" there's a 99% chance I think you're an asshole & due very little.

Not gonna lie, I judge the fuck out of people based on what's in their grocery cart.

Everyone looked shocked when I said "Well, let's not start sucking each other's dicks quite yet." in a mtg. Have they not seen Pulp Fiction?

My gay friend sends out a weekly what not to wear email PSA. I thought it was brilliant til I found out I'm the only one he sends it to :(

I always try to treat people as I wish to be treated; which in most cases means not talking to people & avoiding them entirely.

I can't decide if I'm more tired, hungry or horny. I bet this is what guys feel like all the time.

Coworker is telling me how the texture of tapioca makes her gag. Based on the stories I hear about her around the office I call bullshit.

It's adorable how you guys act all excited to go get drunk for St. Patty's tomorrow like you assholes don't go get smashed every Sat night.

Some coworkers told me I don't socialize because subconsciously I don't like them. I told them they don't know what subconsciously means.

Ladies who only post about how rough & dirty you like it, if you're trying to be shocking try proper grammar. Now THAT would be shocking.

Nancy Kerrigan is a spokesperson now? Way to strike while the iron's hot.

Nothing is more attractive than intelligence & manners in a man. If you can't open my mind&doors for me, I won't be opening my legs for you.

I rarely make the same mistake twice. Except opening the second bottle of wine, I seem make that mistake at least twice a week.

Few things strike fear into my heart more than having give someone even momentary unsupervised access to my computer or phone.

When I see teenage kids on here I wanna grab their hand & say 'It's not safe for you here. I'll wait with you while someone finds your mom."