When I was younger "ADD" was called, "Shut the fuck up and do your homework".

Tupperware: When you want to throw out your food some other day.

How is eating a banana sexy? Do guys love it when we peel their dick, bite half off, and cut up the other half and put it in our cereal?

I hate it when stuff is like, way over there.

Fuck it. I'm naming my kids Mom and Dad.

Sometimes I get the feeling that pets are just using us for our thumbs.

Sometimes when I come across a deformed gummy bear I look at him and whisper, "You're welcome", before taking his life.

Whoever has a "liquor cabinet" apparently doesn't like to drink that much. Mine would be called, "where the alcohol used to be".

If you ever Google "Grandfather Clock", be careful how you spell that shit.

I've decided to name my kid Twitter. Just kidding! I'm having an abortion.

Twitter: Where underachievers come to be brilliant.

I like saying "stabby gun" instead of "bayonet". I'm not all Frenchy McKnows-It-All.

Twitter: Come for the celebrities, stay for the validation of obsessive-compulsive behavior.

I totally understand not cutting your grilled cheese sandwich on a diagonal since you're obviously a homicidal psychopath.

Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?

Try saying "good luck" without sounding sarcastic. Good luck.

It's crazy how you have to "apply" for unemployment. If I was good at applying for stuff I'd have a job.

Googling yourself just proves that compared to other people with your name, you're a failure.

Fuck flying cars. I want a complex system of slides that take us everywhere.

I just realized that if I were a house cat, my life really wouldn't be that different.