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When I was younger "ADD" was called, "Shut the fuck up and do your homework".
Tupperware: When you want to throw out your food some other day.
How is eating a banana sexy? Do guys love it when we peel their dick, bite half off, and cut up the other half and put it in our cereal?
I hate it when stuff is like, way over there.
Sometimes I get the feeling that pets are just using us for our thumbs.
Fuck it. I'm naming my kids Mom and Dad.
Sometimes when I come across a deformed gummy bear I look at him and whisper, "You're welcome", before taking his life.
Whoever has a "liquor cabinet" apparently doesn't like to drink that much. Mine would be called, "where the alcohol used to be".
If you ever Google "Grandfather Clock", be careful how you spell that shit.
Twitter: Where underachievers come to be brilliant.
I've decided to name my kid Twitter. Just kidding! I'm having an abortion.
Twitter: Come for the celebrities, stay for the validation of obsessive-compulsive behavior.
I like saying "stabby gun" instead of "bayonet". I'm not all Frenchy McKnows-It-All.
I totally understand not cutting your grilled cheese sandwich on a diagonal since you're obviously a homicidal psychopath.
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
Try saying "good luck" without sounding sarcastic. Good luck.
It's crazy how you have to "apply" for unemployment. If I was good at applying for stuff I'd have a job.
Fuck flying cars. I want a complex system of slides that take us everywhere.
Googling yourself just proves that compared to other people with your name, you're a failure.
I just realized that if I were a house cat, my life really wouldn't be that different.
Is that a sushi roll in your pocket or are you just happy sashimi?