So sick of hearing how sexy guys with accents are. I've had my Hyundai Accent since '04 & not one girl has complimented it yet.

I read it's harder being black in America than being gay. But you don't have to explain being black to your dad, because he won't be around.

I've spent at least 15% of my life pulling a chain & trying to figure out if the ceiling fan is speeding up or slowing down.

My mom still tells me not to talk to strangers. I'm 31 mom, I don't talk to strangers, I sleep with them.

I read that Gold's Gym opened up a location in Cuba. I'd hate to see the line for the rowing machine.

Today my 6 yr. old nephew asked my what "gay" meant. It wouldn't have bothered me so bad, but it was right after he saw me throw a baseball.

GF found my list of all the girls I've slept with. I told her it was names for our future kids, but she didn't buy drunk girl on cruise ship

My gf says the best sex we ever had was when I role-played the guy in the black mask that broke in. I have no idea what she's talking about.

So, GF just dumped me. Which shocked me because she was just saying something about something. Not real sure, was trying to read some tweets

The high school I went to was 70% black & 30% terrified.

A cute girl waved at me earlier today, but there was no way I was going to swim out that far to save her.

Sometimes I just look in the mirror, and wonder why I'm peeing in the sink.

I passed out drunk on my floor last night & someone broke into my apt. Nothing was missing, but they peed all over the front of my pants.

I just watched a boring documentary on how to build a time machine. That's an hour of my life I'll probably get back.

My friend is really bummed that he's going bald, but I told him to think about all the money he'll save by not going on dates.

Just saw a t-shirt that said "It's not the size of the boat, it's the motion of the ocean" or "Hey, I've got a small dick & a stupid shirt"

Guess I said "fuck yeah" a little too enthusiastically when Grandma asked if I'd ever pull the plug on her. There goes my shot at the Buick.

I think all marriage is gay.

That chinese tattoo on your neck must be the symbol for unemployment.

My family wanted to do something about my crazy grandma with dementia always talking to herself in public, so we bought her a bluetooth.