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Well, my time in the circle jerk is over. Back to the real world for me. Have fun.
I'd like give a shoutout to all the people that are going through an identity crisis, you know who you are.
The girl I'm seeing told me last night that she may be small, but she has a big heart. I dumped her because that doesn't sound very healthy.
My favorite hobby is driving people to hate me, and then hating them because they hate me.
The tribal butterfly on your lower back says, one more appletini, you'll bum a menthol & I'll probably see you pee in the parking lot later.
Hey Netflix, good job bringing back 'Arrested Development'. Let's see you bring back my Aunt Brenda.
My girlfriend's dad threw the straw from my mango daiquiri on the ground last night. I was so emasculated, I went home & fucked his daughter
People that tell me not to drink & drive don't realize I have 15 yrs of Mario Kart training. If I can dodge turtle shells, I can dodge kids.
Sometimes I like to take gummy bears & put them inside of honey bears & pretend they're pregnant. Then I perform the tastiest abortion ever.
Einstein's original theory of relativity was if you sleep with a relative, the news travels at the speed of light.
Women having trouble getting pregnant shouldn't waste their money on a fertility clinic. Just stop by a landscaping company one afternoon.
I hate it when I send an organization like PETA, or Red Cross, or the power company money one time & they call every month wanting more.
I'm pretty sure the guy that makes clay pigeons for skeet shooting has ever even seen a real pigeon.
They say kids get away with murder. So I told my nephew about a guy at work, showed him what to do & sure enough no one suspected a thing.
I baked a humble pie last night & it was fucking awesome! Probably the best pie I've ever seen.
It sucks that I had to end it with my pregnant girlfriend of 3 years today, but the love compatibility text I got only rated us at 12%.
My therapist says that I'm single because I have deep trust issues. Ha, what a lying bitch!
It's funny how everyone that has an 'Only God Can Judge Me' tattoo has been to jail.
I'm upset because I left a pen in my jeans when I washed them & got ink on all my clothes. Now I have to go spend all my money on a new pen.
I just yelled out conflagration in a crowded theatre. Everyone panicked & ran for the nearest dictionary.