Favstar gets even better if you sign in.
What the fuck is "disposable income"? I don't even throw away the extra sauce packets from Taco Bell.
I believe I am about five years away from having to worry about the possibility of sitting on my own balls.
Seriously, "K" is your text reply? What fucking level of laziness have you hit when you start abbreviating two letter words??
It is SO exhilarating to finally win an intense argument with the wife AND I did it without even waking her.
Whenever I get a chicken leg with a broken bone in it, I wonder how much money he owed Colonel Sanders.
I would have put a lot more trust in Scooby & the gang's abilities, if they would have solved the fact that the Mystery Machine was a van.
I will show you mine, if you show me the slightest bit of interest.
If I were a woman alone at night and heard something outside, I would ABSOLUTELY go out in my nightgown with a candle to see what it is.
After yesterday's market dive, I am thinking of cashing in my 401K. Anyone know how late Coinstar is open?
The bad: Home alone on Friday night.
The good: Discovered 6 new shadow puppets with my nut sack. Wait...7, that one's Tweety Bird.
Went to a sex toy party last night. Guys, from what I saw, it no longer matters if we mow the yard. We are OBSOLETE.
Chose to end a "Not Responding" program AND I sent the report to Microsoft.
DO NOT FUCK WITH ME TODAY ASSHOLES!!
Twitter is the only place I know of where the more fucked up you are, the more popular you become.
The drugs in the 60's were so awesome that they had to have a song just so everyone would remember what boots were for.
If I were a bird, I would only date swallows.
I bet Mr. Miyagi kicked ASS at activating motion sensor towel dispensers.
If I were a teen, the 1st thing I'd do is permanently mutilate my earlobes with discs so I could have onion rings for lobes when I'm older.
Not sure when I'll need this, but I can play the Door's entire organ solo in "Riders On the Storm", on my dashboard. Call me ladies.
No toothpicks at work, so I was forced to gnaw off my big toe nail and use it to dislodge the popcorn kernel. Like fucking McGyver!
I think the youth obesity problem began when we did away with the slim, regular, husky labels on pants so they didn't know they were fat.