I have 99 problems - and they are all luftballons.

So do Brazilians cut their grass right back to the dirt?

Elmer Fudd is taking some well earned W&W.

When my grandma died we put her ashes into an hourglass. Nothing nostalgic just to remind us we could only stand her for a minute at a time.

I get by with a little hemp from my friends.

Put a picture of Jesus into my toaster and out popped a fuzzy brown square that looked vaguely like a piece of toast.

Who the fuck keeps feeding Justin Bieber!

Think I have Parkinson's disease. I can't stop interviewing people.

You know that thing where you know what tits look like but every time ya get the chance ya have to have a look. Yea that.

For Easter I went to a catholic prostitute. She was a denominatrix. Forgive me.

Just finished a book on mind reading. Yea you're right. Exactly what I was thinking.

To the guy in cubicle 4. A straight flush is not a homophobic sanitary instruction.

I've told her once, I've told her a million times. Gran you have alzheimer's.

You had me at, I just broke up with my husband, got a brazilian, have shares in Johnny Walker and require a week of meaningless fucking.

If real life was like twitter and I followed every good looking girl that smiled at me I'd get around more than Paris Hilton.

Hip replacements cost an arm and a leg these days.

Ironic that girls judge a good lover by how he dances yet all the best guys dancing are gay. My gold hot pants are not fooling anyone.

Does anyone else think that the movies on planes are getting so bad that some of the aircraft flying into mountains are not accidents.

Hairdressing salon was broken into and computer and hair cutting equipment stolen. Hope they didn't run off with those scissors.

My wife just tried on my new glasses and says they make everything look bigger. Guess what she's wearing to bed tonight!!