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It looks like my hands are empty, but I'm actually holding several grudges.
If there was a job that was just looking out of a window and being sad, I would have so much money.
10 times out of 9, I feel like an idiot.
I don't celebrate Valentines Day, but I've hidden several bags of Dove dark chocolates in different stores so I can get them cheap Friday.
lol = "Ok, I'm done now. Don't say anything else. Bye"
I ran away from home, but had to go back because my phone charger is there.
Yes, iPhone. I really meant to send a text that says "Mazel TiVo."
You say "coma" but I hear "vacation."
Everything I need to know, I learned from telling the wrong people to fuck off.
Dear FB Friends: If you praise killing Osama on your wall, then you don't get to tell me "every life is precious" when we debate abortion.
Everyone, everything: dumb.
Having kids has really changed my opinion on whether I'd like to have kids or not.
Oh, you know, just laying in bed trying to picture what penises are doing when guys run. Again.
I Complain Less When I'm Asleep and Other Facts About Me
What ever happened to that portly, anxious Jew that used to post on Twitter all the time?
If you're a man with a name spelled J-A-N don't try to tell me it's pronounced YAWN. Your name is Jan, it's a girl's name. You're a girl.
I will punch your grandmother in the face for a Reese's Cup.
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