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It looks like my hands are empty, but I'm actually holding several grudges.
I don't celebrate Valentines Day, but I've hidden several bags of Dove dark chocolates in different stores so I can get them cheap Friday.
If there was a job that was just looking out of a window and being sad, I would have so much money.
I ran away from home, but had to go back because my phone charger is there.
Everything I need to know, I learned from telling the wrong people to fuck off.
Dear FB Friends: If you praise killing Osama on your wall, then you don't get to tell me "every life is precious" when we debate abortion.
Oh, you know, just laying in bed trying to picture what penises are doing when guys run. Again.
Having kids has really changed my opinion on whether I'd like to have kids or not.
Happy Birthday to twitter whore and pastry lover @andylassner! You don't look a day over fat.
What ever happened to that portly, anxious Jew that used to post on Twitter all the time?
If you're a man with a name spelled J-A-N don't try to tell me it's pronounced YAWN. Your name is Jan, it's a girl's name. You're a girl.
Sorry gang, @andylassner won't be tweeting for a while. He was cold and fussy, so his mommy swaddled him and he can't get his hands out.
I will punch your grandmother in the face for a Reese's Cup.
