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There's a srange new trend in the office, people putting names on food. Today I had a tuna sandwich called Kevin
I thought YOLO was a type of yogurt
"Your call is important to us. Please listen to this flute solo for 45 minutes"
I'm still waiting for Glee to do a cover of Slayer
There's just so many things I have to do today that won't get done because I just found a pet shop with talking parrots
Shout out to the guy in the office who just choked on an Apple and spat it out onto the hot girl next to him
Damn pop up ads, i think I've just adopted a dolphin
Sex, drugs and rock n roll!! Or in my case early nights, meals for one and an allergy to cats
When I'm at work I feel like I'm cheating on Twitter
A weekend away from Twitter has made me realise what's important in life, Twitter
After years of searching I think I accidentally just found my G spot
"Oh this place is new, maybe I'll go over th....oh this place is new, my name is....I wonder where I am......oh this place is new" fish
I had morning sex today, by sex I mean I slipped in the bath and had an unfortunate incident with the plug hole
Defeated by a Pringles tube
Turns out showing the horns isn't the best way to greet the new company vice president
I contemplated twittercide but none of my real friends want to listen to my stories
Who's this 'moderation' people keep telling me to drink with?
My brother told me onions are the only food that makes you cry so I threw a coconut at his face
Everyone on Facebook thinks I'm out partying with hookers, only you guys know I'm in bed eating cheese off my stomach
I'm eating bacon and drinking beer naked right now, it's fun being an adult
I love metal and rum. I don't like Nickleback. Incapable of spreading butter without ruining the bread.