Somebody in this bitch owes me a fucking slow clap... I'll wait.

I stalk because I care. Crazy has nothing to do with it.

I like to make up words Apple, please leave my shit alone.

So when I said hi that was totally code for I want you inside me.

The problem with social networks is people.

I wish I had a penis so that I could invite idiots to choke on it...

When I become Twitter famous I'm getting my asshole bleached.

You had me at: balls deep

One of the world's greatest mysteries; Rock smashes scissors but cowers in fear at being covered by paper.

I love a man with muscular thighs and a nice back. I often get the urge to hump them from behind but im told its frowned upon

Cat needs food. Unfortunately, getting him some would require putting on a bra. He could stand to lose a few...

Totally almost choked on my grape and died. My legacy: a tweet about giving head on Favstar

Emotionally unavailable men are for sissies. I prefer men that are physically disgusted by vagina. The bigger the challenge the better....

The 90's were by far one of the greatest musical decades for every genre

Jack Daniels: It's not chocolate, but it'll do.

The train smells like gerbil habitat

When the hell do you people sleep?

Shit now I have to make sure the back of my head is sexy too.

ITT Tech I'm gonna go ahead and say what everyone is thinking: stop using actual students and hire actors

I hardly recognise this place with no shit smell, let me get right on that! - my cat 2 seconds after I change his litter box :(