Slept under the fitted sheet last night. Yep.

At what age is it considered "legal" for the dog to babysit?

I guess some people don't really appreciate playing tickle torture so soon after meeting me.

How many followers until I'm considered "twitter elite" 137 or something?

Do me a favor, if you ever see me suckin on a chili dog outside the Tastee Freeze, just shoot me.

I'm going to buy my dog a dog house so just once, I can revenge pee in it.

I just got butterflies in my stomach when I remembered that I put a beer mug in the freezer this morning.

I guess I pretty much trust anyone wearing a lab coat.

Do wild horses really drag people away? That's kind of scary.

I'd probably get over the embarrassment of being a nudist pretty quickly once I realized I never had to do fucking laundry again!

Xanax is an awesome way to end the weekend. Also great for starting the week. (also midweek)

I thought about waking him up with a bj and then I remembered, we're married! LOL

People who can fold fitted sheets are assholes.

My 5 year old just called the dog "shithead". Crunching numbers for a down payment on my new trailer.

Unlike the fucking birds, I like to wait until at least 8 am to sit in my yard and sing mating calls at the top of my lungs.

I need to change my son's sheets. Where the hell is my hazmat suit?

Tip: when applying self tanner go easy on the knees otherwise you'll look like your "easy on the knees"

Sadly, I had to unfollow John Stamos. He wouldn't stop DM'ing me those creepy Uncle Jesse messages.

Some of you may remember me. What'dya say we just forget about that?

I'm gonna go ahead and thank my new followers now b/c in a little while I'll probably get drunk and lose you all!