That person who leaves the house in a sweater with a woodland creature on the front looked in the mirror and thought "I look good today"

Whoa ! That moment when you click to enlarge an avi and they transform from a college kid to a middle aged person #mindfuck

Pro tip: If he has two luxury vehicles and mentions the vacation he just came back from on your first date, he's packing like a Ken doll.

If you want your child to suffer a lifetime of cardiovascular diseases, Old Navy sweats and New Balance sneakers: name him Ralph.

I think I need sunstroke to understand what Ozzy Osbourne is trying to say.

Dear grown men who post song lyrics on Facebook to express their emotions: Stop fucking doing that! Sincerely, everyone you're embarrassing

I like my men like I like putting out the trash on Sunday night: gone by 11am the next morning and never to be seen or heard from again.

Be cautious when disclosing information when someone says "I don't judge". They are the most judgmental and will be silently judging you

I imagine if Twitter made a perfume it would capture the essence of a dying soul: Booze, cigarettes, weed and cat piss.

Always the mistress, never the...fuck it. Always the mistress.

Now that I got the job I wanted, how long do I wait till I randomly txt people I havn't spoken to in months to let them know how busy I am?

My superpower is going to the convenience store for something convenient & getting stuck behind old folks checking & stocking up on lottery

If she has her hood pierced, and you still cant find her clit, you shouldnt have spent SexEd passing notes around about girls having cooties

You guys are so much more funny when I'm drunk.

The only person you should starve for is yourself !

New drinking game ! Each time Jane Velez-Mitchell mentions she's a recovering alcoholic in case we forgot, take a shot !

I may be getting ahead of myself here, but it's the third week of American Idol and Steven Tyler hasn't fallen off the judges table yet.

Never stare at fat people. They know what you're up to.

Fellas, wanna ensure you won't score a second date? Make homophobic comments and take a vegetarian to a steakhouse for dinner.

I wish men could realize my interest in seeing them again based on how loudly I scream "Oh FUCK OFF" when I see their txt on my screen.