Put two people in a room together long enough eventually they're gonna fuck. Seeing as how I work in a morgue I pray to God that isn't true.

Sleeping with girls half your age is bad when you're 50, but not nearly as bad as doing it when you're 24

Looks like the girl from 402 didn't appreciate the rat carcass I left on her doorstep. Last time I take dating advice from my cat.

just bought these new pants but I'm gonna have to take them back. they're too snug around the crotch.... Ladies ;-)

I love how all these fast food joints have picures of real food on their walls like that's what you're eating.

This Ikea is too big. I feel like Moses going through the deser... Ooh look swedish meatballs half off.

Anyone who supports Sarah Palin needs to be shot. This is not a republican/democrat thing. This is a normal vs absolute fucking moron thing

If loving food is wrong I don't want to be right. Also, I think I need some new pants. These have bacon grease all over them

Lord knows i love the tall girls but just saw a short guy with one and it looked like she was walking her monkey. I have some thinkin to do

Oh man these thin mints are delicious. These little pigtailed crack dealers got my number

Withdrawing cash from my 401k. Feels like I'm robbing my future self. What's that gramps? You need that to live? Well sucks to be you loser.

Steven Seagal: law man, blues man, sensei, movie star. Quite possibly the Da Vinci of our time

These steroids aren't working. Unless their job is to help me grow shoulder hair and bacne. If so, they're working perfectly.

I wonder if there's a parallel universe where you don't suck

Just because something doesn't have a 'For Sale' sign on it doesn't mean it isn't for sale

Dude. The "tea bag" party? You're fucking serious? I guess "Donkey Punch" was taken?

Mmm mmm mmm. Pot roast and green beans. It's like I died and went to heaven. And not the bullshit one. The cool one Albert Brooks went to.

Remember murder is a sin but slavery and rape are not. Next time u want to kill someone rape them instead. You're welcome & God bless :-)

You know it's time to put the drugs away when you ask who the president of dreamland is. and you couldn't be more serious.

#ProTip Never fart while taking a piss. The results can be disastrous.
Bonus tip: Always carry an extra pair of clean undies.