People who beg for followers are the jehovah's witnesses of twitter

So Roman himself convinced Hazard to come, Torres to stay, and rode through SW6 on the bus with blue sunglasses on. Best owner in sports!

Wife: "Why is there white powder on your gps thingy?" Me: "With the decline of the music industry, no one has cds anymore"

Wife: You should get a vasectomy
Me: I want another kid
Wife: What? You said no more.
Me: No more out of you...

Wife taking a shower at 10:40pm? If she thinks I'm eating her pussy, she's got another thing coming........

I love hot days like today. I "forget" to wear deodorant and everyone leaves me alone.

My kids are so much better after you smoke a whole bunch of weed. They have so much cool shit going on! Building a fort! Cookies!

My boss just described me as unapproachable. He gets me

Uh-oh. Starting to feel better. Guess that means It's time to go do something to make me feel awful again

Whoa. Strungover™

I think the founding fathers would be pleased at how fuckin' baked I am right now.

Whoever leaves drawers open is an asshole. And as soon as my kneecap stops bleeding, I'm gonna come find you.

I'm not a sociopath. But I do play one on twitter

"Sir, your registration is expired" ~ great news for a sex offender

My daughters ability to destroy a bathroom is all the paternity test I need

When I say "Hey! Stupid cunt! Stop talking" I'm not trying to be mean. I'm trying to help you. You look like an ass. That reflects on me

Oh, Pseudoephedrine. I love you!

Double double double. John Terry has won the double. And the shit from the lane have won fuck all again. John Terry has won the double!

"No, answer your phone! And talk loud as fuck while I'm trying to read twitter" ~ me to the body I now have to dispose of

No football! What am I supposed to do on the weekends? Play with my kids? They think its cool to punch me in the dick! Fuck them!