By the power of Grayskull...


I

HAVE

NO

PANTS!!!!!

Good thing from the day: My 5 month old son sitting in my lap out under the tree laughing at the wind.

No one here is entirely normal. I like that about us.

In case no one else remembers to tell you today, you're beautiful. Enjoy today.

My burger I left in my car froze overnight. I ate it. That's where I'm at in life.

I'm sure sleeping four hours and being awake when I normally sleep will result in my being a wonderful human being today.

Twitter is like the graffiti on the bathroom stall of an interstate rest stop in West Virginia.

If you say "knock knock" and open the door without waiting for a reply it's your own fucking fault if you see me taking a shit.

And on the 8th day, God took off his pants and said, "Wow this is so much more comfortable."

Bruce Banner could never do his holiday shopping in person. I'm about to smash this Bed Bath & Beyond to pieces.

Hey everyone that's confused by Daylight Savings Time last night:

Subtract one.

Dumbasses.

Wife just complained the wifi doesn't work. Really? It looks like nothing that needs electricity works because the fucking power is out.

Find someone who makes you forget you are dying and makes you remember you are alive.

The doorbell just rang & woke me up. Less woke me up & more the Inception-style kick back to reality.

The night time creatures of twitter aren't that much more sexually perverse than some of you day time creatures.

Make a choice. Right or wrong, make the call & stick to it. Do something, anything, & stand up for that choice, or I will choose for you.

The next wedding coordinator that comes up to me to tell me I need to be dancing is going to regret it.

Nothing like starting off the day by flipping off a senior citizen in the parking lot of the YMCA.

Hey women who are strong, fighters, warriors, and who refuse to be victims: some of us like that part of you the most. Don't down play it.

I would never, ever turn down kissing forever.