I have no tattoos, no piercings. I'm just a big, blank canvas of crazy.

The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It's 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.

CPR refresher class. We're told, "If they're not breathing, there's no way you can make it worse." Woman then trips; kicks dummy's head off.

Co-worker had a meltdown over someone having a b-day cake. Said since she has no willpower, stop bringing cake in. Tonight, baking cookies.

The glass may be half-empty or half-full, but, right now, there's something floating in mine.

Whenever we see an $80,000 car in Vancouver, we play 'Hockey player or Drug Dealer?'

Hey, guy with spooky 3-D skulls license plate frame. You are driving a Corolla.

Had my credit card number stolen. Some ass tried to order $450 worth of vintage poodle skirts online! What kind of fucked-up gang is that?

Four Elements of a Successful Tweet:
1. Boobs
2. BJs
3. Bodily functions/fluids
4. Car chase

'Shut your piehole' is a personal favorite, but it's such an overused phrase.

Maybe 'Batten down your Hostess hatch'?

Our dog runs away so much, I'm just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.

Bad choice of bra. Currently suffering, not only from side boob, but also diagonal boob and attached garage boob.

Just saw a group of people from TeamFollowBack leaving the building. Some of them are still inside the revolving door.

I so appreciate your follows, stars and RTs. You inspire me to get up in the morning.
If I wasn't so tired from being on Twitter all night.

After being in labor in the hospital, and having a teaching class of 15 med students at the foot of the bed, I don't get embarrassed much.

I'm not real easy on the eyes. I'm more of a 'team-building experience' for the eyes.

Ironically, Seattle's Marco Polo Motel does not have a pool.

Yes, everything happens for a reason. 90% of the time, the reason has something to do with stupidity.

My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N...only with slapping.

Got dressed in the dark. Get to work, see that I have two different boots on. Now I have to hop on one foot all day so people won't notice.