You know who REALLY doesn't give a fuck? Flies. Those guys will throw a party on a fillet mignon or a piece of dog shit with equal abandon.

I'd retweet me. I'd retweet me so hard.

My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.

I've found that the things I'm most interested in aren't really in my best interest.

Maybe she's born with it... maybe it's Methamphetamine!

Jimi Hendrix was way ahead of his time. He took the red pill AND the blue pill. That's how he wrote "Purple Haze"

Pretty sure that my dog is fucking other peoples legs but I don't ask questions. I've got enough problems without being lied to by a dog.

I've never been that good at mean muggin', but I can Care Bear Stare with the best of 'em.

I bet my slow cooked Italian beef would taste a lot better if I used a slow cooker, or beef, or if I was Italian, and if it wasn't Ramen.

My cunninglingus technique borrows heavily from Cookie Monster.

If rubbing my nipple across the deli counter window to indicate which cheeses I desire is wrong then I don't want to be right.

Welcome to America! Where we exterminate entire cultures and then name our football teams after them! Happy Columbus day!

Fuck this teamfollowback bullshit. I'm getting followers the ol fashioned way: by leading a fucked up lifestyle and living to tweet about it

I wonder if starving children in Africa are like "Fuck it" and just throw away the end pieces of bread too...

Sometimes I won't manscape for like 6 months and then unleash myself on some unsuspecting bar whore. I call it "giving 'em the Wookie"

Eventually you're going to achieve self awareness in a padded cell, staring at your palm, realizing twitter was just all your personalities

Do lesbians check out each others fingers?

Most of the time I think with my dick, but truth be told, my dick is pretty fuckin stupid.

I spend the majority of my life in an apprehensive state similar to those nanoseconds when you think the shitty toilet water might overflow.

Sweat drips on the blade of my machete as I sharpen it under the midday sun. No breakfast after 11 huh? I'll show them. I'LL SHOW THEM ALL.