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Just slit my wrists and wrote "Abandon all faith ye who enter here" in blood on the door to my office at work.
I'm not really an alcoholic. I just have to go to meetings because some idiots got in the way while I was blowing vodka fireballs at the bar
In high school my nickname was "creature creeper" because I liked to rape animals.
Mom said that thunder was angels bowling. So all my guardian angels are up there getting drunk and bowling, while I'm down here sinning.
I never leave the house without a fannypack full of KY jelly and razor blades for no reason whatsoever.
Pop a bunch of extacy and make use of that "Free one day pass" at your local gym. You won't be invited back but it'll be AWESOME.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: How do clouds form? What is sober sex like? Fuck I don't know.
You need to stop focusing on whether or not I have dried vomit on my shirt sir, and more on finding me a table for one in a dark corner.
Scientists need to create a female chicken/fish hybrid so I can eat its pussy and settle that question once and for all.
been crushing up old vcr tapes and mixing them in with the glass I'm snorting to record an accurate vision of my soul.
And a whole bunch of bad decisions later, I'm trying to buy a fifth of Taaka vodka with oil change coupons to come down from a bad acid trip
The bible needs an additional book listing everyone and whether they're going to heaven or hell so I can siphon gas with a clear conscious.
Drug stores don't sell cocaine. That's false advertising if you want my opinion.
I spend entirely too much time wondering whether or not I just shit myself.
Ramen noodles need to come with some sort of fortune cookie like instructions on how to make better life decisions.
I wish they made a task killer app that let me kill the people who gave me tasks to do.
I spent most of my money on hookers and blow, and the rest I just wasted.
