"The Great Gatsby" looks like a two hour Heineken commercial.

Our waiter was named Skyler. It almost ruined the meal.

Hey guys with hands on your girlfriends' asses. We get it. You don't read for fun.

I feel like I'm forgetting to hate something...

I just got shushed at a McDonalds, so I guess I can die now that I've completed life bingo: super sad edition.

It's no longer "unimaginable" when it's happened 31 times since Columbine.

One of my neighbors is sobbing uncontrollably in the hallway. Should I go out there and tell her she's annoying me?

I have this food allergy where I get fat when I eat too much. There is no known cure. Pray for me.

I will disappoint your brains out.

To the guy who invented purse straps between boobs: let me know if you ever need help moving.

Are we doing this zombie apocalypse or what? I need to know when to cancel Netflix.

What the fuck am I doing to my pillows while I'm sleeping? It's like they're trying to escape. One made it halfway to the door before dying.

Hey, black guys with mohawks, leave some cool for the rest of us.

Guys, don't be mad if a woman has more followers; she's just funnier than you. (leans back and waits for the blowjobs)

The best thing about having an office with a locking door is drawing abs on your belly with a fudgesicle.

I'll know it's time to retire when my boss is named Jaden.

I just threw a football and realized why dad doesn't love me.

"I don't judge." - boring people who need to get out of my face.

The Confederate Army wore gay uniforms. #onelettertypos

Hey, successful people, someone with a blog is calling you out! Can't you feel the burn from that 12 watt bulb?