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From now on, everything will be known as Before The Sound of Music Live and After The Sound of Music Live.
Brian died for our sins.
I'm the only person left on earth who hasn't made a Doritos commercial.
This deal with Iran is a huge setback for the people who want to kill people who use a different name for the same god.
I think this guy waiting behind me just quoted himself. Quick, which kind of coffee is the hottest?
When you get to my age, you stop worrying what people think about you and admit you've been sorted to Hufflepuff.
I consider everyone who delivers food to me a close, personal friend.
The studio I work for still uses invoices in quadruplicate. Should I let them know that computers exist?
Obviously Stanford was looking ahead to that game against Cal.
Seeing a guy in a white BMW driving like an asshole is my daily reassurance that I exist in reality.
All little girls dream of growing up and receiving a text at 1:30am asking, "you up?"
Congratulations, everyone on Twitter, we've made a handful of people in San Francisco rich!
Should I ask this woman crying in her car if she's okay before I ask if she could move so I can park there? We're right by the elevator.
One of my Facebook friends liked a photo of an ass in a thong on a page called FapFap. Thanks for the update, Facebook.
To everyone in their 20s who are miserable, just wait until your 30s.