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'Unexpected item in bagging area'. Really? It's only milk its not like it's Mick Hucknall in a jock strap. That'd be unexpected.
Royal Mail have issued an address to send all letter of complaints about the increasing price of stamps, are they taking the piss?
John Terry make sure you're never caught mouthing racial abuse on camera again by wearing a pointy, white pillowcase with eye holes.
France are deporting people wearing a burkha in their country. I'm off to Paris in 10 days, FREE FLIGHT HOME, YAY! *packs burkha*
J.K Rowling reveals she had to refer to Voldemort as 'You Know Who' in the Harry Potter books because of a super-injuction, typical.
When signing up to Facebook I think there should be a 'your' & 'you're' test to filter out blithering pisswits.
A couple in Libya have named their first born after David Cameron. Personally I think Sanctimonious Dough-faced Wanker is a terrible name.
Apparently pointing to your partner and saying "Already got one" when asked if you'd like a bag for life at the supermarket isn't funny.
I wonder where Bruce Forsyth is hiding his horcruxes? He has a longer life span than UHT milk.
Whilst Blair is quizzed at the Leveson enquiry i'll be moving all copies of his autobiography to the 'War Crimes' section of Waterstones.
Reports that expensive track suits were looted from Foot Locker this morning, who's rioting, Jimmy Saville? #LondonRiot
Experience what it's like to be in the Jeremy Kyle audience by sitting at the Argos collection point & clapping as people go up.
If I was a foot amputee, for a laugh, I'd pay for one of those fish foot spa's & scream 'OH GOD! HELP ME!' as customers walked in.
No advent calender this year? Simply kick in a strangers door every day till Christmas and steal all their chocolate.
Alanis Morisette, irony isn't being stuck in a traffic jam when you're late. Irony is skinny jeans in a size 22.
There's a guy in chinos, the worlds tightest vest & one of them condom hats. He must of woke up & thought 'how can I out-twat myself today?'
'Louis Walsh denies sex attack'. Claiming Edward was up for it but it was dark and OH GOD JOHN & HIM LOOK SO ALIKE.
'Unexpected item in bagging area'. Really? It's only milk its not like it's Mick Hucknall in a jock strap. That'd be unexpected! - Just 1 of my grumpy tweets.