Would Young Jeezy just grow up already? Jeez.

Can someone please name their metal band "Verb The Noun"?

I find that memories are useful when things aren't going exactly how you want them to. They remind you that now isn't forever!

If you've ever wanted to hate yourself, just go look into one of those magnifying vanity mirrors.

These birds are really hailing in the spring. And I am ready for that which they hail.

What a clear morning thought. Hey thanks, God. Geez. I have been so dumb! haha. #NOCONTEXT

Anything good that you find in me came from God. Without God, I could only create selfishness and death. I'm thankful to know that grace.

I went down to the Free Mason lodge to see if I could round up some volunteers to lay some brick for me.

Happy birthday, @steveagee! Have you ever considered consolidating your bio to "hypochondriactor/comedian"? Saves time and slashes :D

@trumpetcake subconsciously read all of that in the voice of Christopher Walken

CHANGE IS THE ONLY CONSTANT

It is unnecessary to worry about yourself! #holyrevelation #thanksGod

So are Burger King's burgers "burger peasants?" Is there some sort of established hierarchy where a whopper's like a "Burger Duke?"

“@uberfacts: Garlic rubbed into the soles of one's feet will later be detected in their breath.” thus, the end of my garlic body lotion use

Dr. Who is perhaps the Time Lord of one-liners

“@uberfacts: The average person will spend about 20,160 minutes kissing in their lifetime.” challenge: accepted.

“@uberfacts: The Chinese word for ‘racist’ literally translates to “Species-Family Primary Justice Man."” I am Family Primary Justice Man.

“@uberfacts: Wearing too much makeup can mask the scent that attracts men to women during ovulation.” TAKE NOTE, LADIES

I'm gonna redo all of my Facebook pictures with fat booth. Then I'll tell people that I lost it all. Then I'll be super inspirational

My friend has a loud analog clock on his toilet to make you aware amd ashamed of every moment of your life you waste there.