Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.

I don't really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.

Nothing says, "I don't waste time" like ordering a Long Island Ice Tea.

Is there a Foursquare app that keeps people AWAY from my location?

When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, "she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy" not "drinking alone 2 nights in a row"

Bless me Father for I hit send.

I came to Twitter for the sex & masturbation tweets. I stayed for the sacrilege.

Please don't text me "LOL" because the speed at which that causes my legs to snap shut is so forceful that it creates a microclimate shift.

Black sheets on the bed; what message does that convey? Sexy? Adventurous? Tired of pre-treating for blood stains?

You know how you ignore something for 6 months, and then at the last minute, rush around and do it all at once? Doesn't work with plants.

How will I know you love me; unless you text me excessively?

Occasionally, without my knowing it, my vagina will reset itself from the original factory settings to Challenge Mode.

T-Rex aren't extinct they are just serving hard time after doing all those small arms deals. (I am so sorry).

I only tweet to free up space in my brain.

Mind. My least favorite fuck :(

Me: I'll have a vodka with a chubby chaser.
Bartender: *blank stare*

Twitter, the Dutch Oven of social media.

It's all sexual fun & games til you're @ the gynecologist wearing only a paper towel gown w/ your legs uncrossed & your fingers crossed.

When you use all your HEART to be a HATER, you use all the letters, just in the worst possible combination.

I'm not SAYING my boobs are big.





But they are.