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Your restraining order isn't going to keep me from eating the hair off your brush.
Never accept a rap battle from a cricket unless you know more than five words that rhyme with chirp.
She: when was the last time you got laid?
Me: If you divide by zero, and carry the one, Im pretty sure I still live in my moms basement.
No one ever paid attention to F. Scott Fitzgerald’s brothers, Marry Scott Fitzgerald and Kill Scott Fitzgerald.
A good girl is a super naughty girl who knows how to keep a secret.
"Why does it feel better to have my tongue in someone else's mouth?" -- and other things I don't ask my dentist anymore.
I'd pretty much have to like the fuck out of you to give you the other pop tart. They come together, they should stay together.
If I had to pick my favorite place to eat it would have to be in my mouth.
I lost a follower but I swung by her house to explain my joke and she was good.
Well, I’m tired of your NOT drinking. How about that?
Why obtain a basic understanding of supply and demand when you can just as easily complain incessantly about how much everything costs.
“You guys, we can just finish it tomorrow. It doesn’t need to be done in one day. No one will notice.” - Romans
“WAIT! LOOK OUT! RUN! WAIT! RUN BACK! NO, RUN THE OTHER WAY! NO, RUN THE OTHER WAY! LOOK OUT! RUN! WAIT! THE FUCK!”
Two guys in this meeting have the same 'World's Greatest Dad' mug, so I threw two broadswords on the table and said "There can only be one."
I take my glasses off & pull my shirt over my head when I poop because I don't like making eye contact with anyone at the park
Did you know chickens die after having sex? At least every chicken I've had sex with has.
Drugs, is not the answer unless the question is why are you eating spaghetti with your hands.
I wore a power tie too powerful and everyone at work is dead.
If Batman doesn't wear underwear with my picture all over them, then this relationship is as one-sided as I feared.
If you have to ask if it's too early to drink...you're an amateur & we can't be friends
I'm not a doctor; I just play one in real life. http://audioboo.fm/cvtbaby