Nothing says, "I don't waste time" like ordering a Long Island Ice Tea.

Bless me Father for I hit send.

It pees when I burn.

I am single. I don't have children. I have a great job. I am financially independent. I just realized I am not SUPPOSED to be on Twitter!

When you use all your HEART to be a HATER, you use all the letters, just in the worst possible combination.

Look, I know that I can be very pushy and demanding sexually. But in my defense, he did say, "hi" to me.

Spoiled! That's the way I wanna feel. (Just not the way I wanna smell.)

sometimes I'm stupid.
well, not stoopid stupid.
but regular stupid.

Mind. My least favorite fuck :(

When I see those beautiful sea creatures with the plastic rings around their necks, I think, "They did NOT need all those beers."

Women's Instruction Manual would be an LED screen that cycles through the phrases, "not like that" "you're doing that wrong" "stop that."

T-Rex aren't extinct they are just serving hard time after doing all those small arms deals. (I am so sorry).

I only tweet to free up space in my brain.

I will need several of you to come here and entertain me as I get my Domestic Goddess on.

Black sheets on the bed; what message does that convey? Sexy? Adventurous? Tired of pre-treating for blood stains?

Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.

If you ask me out, whether I say yes is dependent on the thoroughness of your Zombie Apocalypse Preparedness Plan. I am not even kidding.

Preemptively peeing in neighbors' bathtubs in case their kids pee in the community pool.

You will never receive the benefit of the doubt unless you are willing to invest in the doubt.

"Don't put that in your mouth. Don't put that in your mouth."~~ Me to myself; most of the time each day.