Don't try and fix broken people. Just enjoy the cracks.

After I paid 45 dollars for 2 cokes and a box of popcorn at the movies today, I hope Al Quada's next target is Regal Cinemas Headquarters.

That's right I am damaged goods. That means you get a better deal with me.

Tonight at dinner I ordered the a steak rare. The waiter asked if I was worried about the mad cow. I said nope the bitch can order herself.

No you misunderstood what I was saying. When I said I love kids, I meant my kids. I hate your kids.

I can't wait to get old and tell my grandchildren, "you think you have it bad, I use to have to twitter on a blackberry."

My wife said give me 8 inches and hurt me. So we had sex twice and I kicked her in the stomach.

Yes secretary I forgot to shave thanks for noticing. You always brighten my day.

Is it me or does Drew Barrymore look like she may have some down syndrome tendencies.

When you are talking in a crowd of your boys and the subject of your sister comes up, balls deep is not a phrase you want to hear.

My first thought when I got a chick to lick my ass..that doesn't make me gay right? Second thought..Is it to soon to ask her for a finger.

They never solve redneck murders in my town. The police says the DNA is all the same, and the dental records do not exist.

Mr. Bill Collector said when can we expect the payment. I said you can expect it whenever you want, but disappointment will soon follow.

My son just called me to the bathroom so he could show me a trick. He farted in the tub and bit the bubble. I got to get that DNA test done.

My wife stood naked looking in the mirror and said I look fat and old. She asked me for a compliment. I said your eyesight is 20-20.

Mother in law got her lips done and I have to say the last time I saw a mouth like that it had hook in it.

Kids these days with ipods? They just don't understand the commitment it takes to make a good mix tape to set the mood.

If you want to ensure you will see a smoking hot women at any point in the day, try and pick your nose at a red light. One will appear.

Apparently tractor pulls are not a great first date idea, but it was better than the family reunion I met her at.

Whatever you do run when your 8 year old ask you "why" about anything. But why? But why? Man fuck, just because.