Twitter - the only place on Earth where stoners, whores and drunks care about being grammatically correct.

My girlfriend told me she wanted it doggie style so I put on a Michael Vick jersey and drowned her.

I'm calling bullshit on Star Wars. When have you ever seen a big, black guy admit to being someone's father?

Adderall is a drug that helps kids pay better attention. I remember when that was called Dads Fuckin' Belt.

Twitter has 3 types of “comedians.”

1- real ones with millions of followers

2- wannabes with six digits

3- no names funnier than 1 and 2

I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by running over some pedestrians and fleeing the scene.

My cock is so big, I keep wallets in my condoms.

I put the U in masturbate BECAUSE IT IS NOT FUCKING SPELLED MASTERBATE.

Every woman is a squirter if you stab her deep enough

The word "retarded" is now being referred to as "The R Word." The whiny, United States citizens can suck my D word.

If god didn't want men to check out titties, he would have shaped them like laundry baskets.

I'd like to see an episode where Maury tells Vader he isn't Lukes father and out struts Chewbacca doing a wicked cabbage patch.

I never understood how we got the name Dick from Richard. However, I’m going to build on it. From now on, instead of Matt, call me Balls.

When I was young, mom would bake and ask if I wanted to "lick the beaters" I'd lick dads fists, and then we'd eat cake while mom sobbed.

Women: Despite what you think, we don’t really like painted on, out of place, McDonald’s arch style eyebrows.

Sincerely, every man ever

I wonder if Kenny Rogers ever looked at his clean clothes and didn't know whether to fold them, hold them, walk away or run?

I can't hate on Jesus all that much. The fucker gives me more paid holidays than Satan ever did.

I'm boycotting McDonald's until they release an Angry Meal.

Lost 4 followers tonight due to a Jew joke. Like I'm tweeting over here with an SS uniform on while eating sauerkraut. Get fucking real.

Ive found the easiest way to stop a child from crying is by throwing it into a barn fire.