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It should be a constitutional amendment that all knuckle tattoos must read “D’INT GRAD”
I'm calling bullshit on Star Wars. When have you ever seen a big, black guy admit to being someone's father?
The Sierra Nevada mountain range was formed when five women stumbled upon a mole hill.
Wish I could go five minutes without reading a fucking subtweet. Also, I hate lead singers in Florida named Kyle.
All feta cheese is created by giving a Pap smear to the neck folds of Kirk Douglas.
Too many photos of whores, not enough memory on my phone.
Ever notice how the daddy long legs gets a free pass for being a spider? He’s all “don’t spray that carpet shampoo on me lady, I’m cool.”
You know what’s more fun than drunk skyping with friends? Real life drinking at a bar with people that have lives.
Raided grandmas pill calendar while also scratching out four days of the week. WTF indeed, you old bitch.
I’ve learned on Twitter that Jan, Feb, March, April, May, June, July, Aug, Sept, Oct, Nov and Dec are the worst months to fall for someone.
If Sigourney Weaver makes a porn where she places small animals in her cancer ridden cunt it HAS to be called Chinchillas In The Cyst.
Every woman is a squirter if you stab her deep enough
Just got my 82 cent tax return back. Splurged on a stale donut and burnt-to-hell gas station hot dog. Living the fucking dream.
Clean up on aisle boring joke format
Pretty sure the guy that invented Christmas lights is the same son of a bitch that designed my ear buds.
Ron Jeremy and I were separated at girth.
Being “twitter famous” is similar to being the stock boy at WalMart that everyone knows because he never ties his shoes and stinks of piss.
Mister Rogers changed his shoes just to feed his fish. Tell me that guy wasn’t paying cub scouts just to smell their Superman briefs.
Stanley Kubrick’s shaved pubes solving a Rubix Cube while dumping solvent on the grading rubric for being punch drunk in public.
Team *Squirt* I'll Make Every Last Fucker Yawn Stupid Idiotic Drivel