Twitter is great. It lets me hang out with some really witty and funny people when they're drunk. Without the hassle of tolerating drunks.

Every episode of Hoarders should end with a bonfire made up of all their crap.

So if you slip on the ice and fall on your ass but manage not to spill any of your Timmies, that makes you Canadian+ right?

If I won the lotto, I would totally show up to work the next day. Hard to burn the place down from home.

During her time of the month, my wife switches moods faster than Hexadecimal from ReBoot.

Wife said I could get a mistress when the planets align, currently looking for Orrery blueprints.

I'm only getting about an hour and a half of good behaviour off a full (10 hr) charge with my 4 yo. I hope they can fix that in next update.

My brain is acting like Wikipedia, occasionally it flags memories with [citation needed] and my footnotes are bringing up 404's

Am I the only one who wants to see the 'that time of the month' episode of strawberry shortcake? No F'n way they are always that nice.

#4WordsAfterIntercourse Teach my wife that

Words with friends would be so much more fun if I had more stupid friends. As it stands I feel like the proverbial red headed step child.

Pet peeve, neon 'open' signs still lit in obviously closed shops.

If you watch Phineas and Ferb from the start, you can see how the creators were obviously able to afford better drugs after season one.

Holy crap. First 100 star tweet. You know what this means. I can go deactivate these 99 eggs.

Dammit, I know it's the 30th games and all, but we aren't Roman, and advertising XXX Summer Games on tv is misleading.

If you come to a point where twitter is more about your follower count and stars, you've forgotten the social half of social media.

Hey #yegtraffic remember that us #yegbike ' ers are REQUIRED to ride on the road, so yelling get off the road makes you look stupid, not me.

Goodbye Mr. Armstrong, maker of the only footprint more famous than bigfoot. #onesmallstep

People who call you on your cell when you're in an argument in SMS already, stop. We don't need to HEAR your shit, be happy we even READ it.

Scotland needs to export the 'Not Proven' verdict, so that exploiting a loophole doesn't grant you the right to crow your 'innocence' later.