Your ex asking if you can still be friends is like kidnappers saying "keep in touch" after they let you go.

A friend of mine asked me if I liked Fight Club. I punched him in the face for breaking the first two rules of Fight Club.

I'm not above removing batteries from my children's toys to put in my vibrator.

I'm outdoorsy in that I like to get drunk on patios.

It's ok if you disagree with me. I can't force you to be right.

When people say "I slept like a baby" I automatically know that those bastards don't have kids.

I childproofed my house, but they keep getting in.

How tasteless would it be if I stuck my boob in the chocolate fountain at Golden Corral?

If you fellas ever need to find my happy place, it's located right between my thighs.

Hey ladies, I promise he'll still like you if you eat more than just a salad on your first date.

Cut myself shaving again and the only band-aids I have are Toy Story. My vagina is looking totally hot right now.

Look, I don't question why your mother didn't abort you. So don't question me when I put alcohol in my coffee at 9:30a.m.

A guy once told me he couldn't get a twitter bc he cared too much about what people thought of him. I asked him if I could finger his vagina

It's so windy outside I expect to see the anorexic chicks flying around.

You know, without nipples boobs would be pointless.

I'll pull a back muscle to make sure you have the greastest blow job ever. I don't give a fuck.

It's so cute how my kids lead me straight to the liquor section at the store. It's like they get me.

My safe word is "ice cream", because everybody screams for ice cream.

Look honey, if you're participating in No Shave November, then so am I.

Love is letting him take a shit while you're in the shower.