Silence is golden. Duct tape is silver.

The gentle gliding of his fingers, his sweet caress, his looks of adoring love...damn I wish I was my husband's Mac...

I thought my Alphabits were taunting me...Until I realized I was eating Cheerios.

completed the quiz "Which Facebook Application Invitation Request makes you want to pull your hair and scream?" with the result: ALL OF THEM

Why does the passport application ask for my hair color and then fail to provide a "varies with mood" option?

My daughter traded in her flute for a trombone - so, if any of my neighbors are reading this -no, I do not have exceptionally bad flatulence

Only 84 more days before I fly to England! Only 85 before I'm kicked out for accidentally muttering the word, "ya'll"...

A minister, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "What is this, a joke?"

You mess with me...you mess with the WHOLE trailer park.

My great grandmother re-roofed her own house at 80 - I can't pull my rear-end off of this couch...then again, she didn't have a Wii...

Sure, show me you boobs, I don't mind...but I'm not paying...I've got boobs of my own, and a mirror...

Hey Mister-I know you think you're cool, tailgating me & cutting me off. But your image is tarnished by the fact that you drive a mini van

This coffee would taste a lot better if it was whiskey

They shouldn't call it a cold...they should call it a "miserable" (sniffle)

Beer...it's not just for breakfast anymore.

The best thing about being married to a Brit? EVERYTHING...
Girls - I highly recommend picking one up...

Did everything just taste purple for a second?

New followers: a Christian church bot and a porn bot...I'm not following until I get the Christan church porn bot...

Watching The History Channel when I hear, "The universe was brought to you by Liberty Mutual" fine, but I'm not paying the mortgage on it...

Tihs teewt bghruot to you by the Deiyxlsc Fnitoduoan of Amiecra