Just hit a guy in a Smart car with my bicycle.

He didn't make it.

Thanks to Twitter I actually know what goes on in a girls head. It's frightening.

Threw a Lifesaver at a guy having a heart attack. It didn't work.

Fact: Everyone with an egg picture is a registered sex offender.

Major props to you girls that swallow. I can barely get this pulpy orange juice down.

Ohhh I'm 'Not authorized' to see your tweets..... didn't know your thoughts were a matter of national security.

There's no such thing as an appropriate joke, that's why it's a joke.

Not a fan of my Mom having plants around the house. She just asked me if I think her bush needs to be trimmed.

Being trapped in a mirror maze must especially suck for ugly people.

Twitter is just one really big, poorly run AA meeting.

My car breaks down more than my Oregon Trail wagon

Pickles can hold their breath a long time.

Tooth fairies make a killing in the Deep South.

I'll probably die from a yoga pants induced heart attack.

If Jackie can't do it, nobody Chan.

Fuck all of you! Consensually of course.

One of the hardest challenges you will face in life is trying to put the straw in a Capri Sun.

One time I got three questions in a row right while watching Jeopardy. I made my mom buy me a trophy.

One of the greatest days of my life was when I realized I could eat Trix cereal as an adult.

Are Mexicans really good at manscaping too?