Every cab is the Ca$h Cab if you have a gun.

If you're Asian and you know it, crap your hands!!

Just found out my girlfriend is not Candy-striping at the local hospital. She's "Candi", stripping at the local hotel. I'm a bad listener.

I bet meth-heads use their tooth fairy money to buy more meth. it's a vicious cycle.

Me: "hooked on fonix"

Google: "Did you mean hooked on phonics"

Me: Go phuk yourselfs google

Sometime I can't believe the human boner dosn't have an actual bone in it. Then I wait 2 minutes.

Our family's Thanksgiving dinner prayer quickly turned into a family argument.. Until we remembered it was a prayer and all said "amen"

My grandfather always said "I can only trust ya as far as I can throw ya." He trusted babies about 30 feet.

Chernobyl: April 26, 1986.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: December 28, 1987

Some serious research went into this discovery.

All fires are suspicious to me. You can never trust a fire to watch your stuff for you.

Someday (when Im drunk) Im going to tweet all of the drafts I have saved, offend most, if not all of you, and pass out on my bathroom floor.

"you had me at hellno" - a rapist, probably

In It's senior year of high school South Carolina was voted most likely to secede.

I looked up a funny commercial on youtube and they made me watch an ad before they let me watch the ad. This is my life...

is it illegal to tell a baby "fuck you" to the face if no one else hears it?

I'm a veteran. I fought in the War on Drugs and was wounded. For my service I received a purple liver, and two black lungs.

im the uncle that my sister threatens her son he'll end up like if he doesn't behave

There is nothing scarier than seeing 10+ gingers are following you, with their combined total of 3 million freckles, 4 friends, and 0 souls.

I saw a bumper sticker that said "ART SLUT". I added an F and made it say "FART SLUT" if she really likes art she will leave it. Her move.

Trying to finish this ADHD online test for like the 6th time tonight. It's 50 questions long.