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Your kid won the national spelling bee? Well good for you. My kid just ate an eraser.
My boyfriend broke up with me because he said I'm unstable so I killed his cat.
No officer, I am not drunk nor driving recklessly.
Sir, you don't understand.
There was a spider.
Only married people actually click the sign out link on twitter.
Inside of every whore is the heart of a little girl who used to believe in Prince Charming and happily ever after.
Wanna know what sucks about getting your period?
Nothing. It means you survived another month without getting knocked up.
I'm eating all of the chips and ice cream in the house so that they'll stop ruining my diet.
Nothing makes me happier than when someone reads my entire TL and RT's something I said months ago.
In theory. Never actually happened.
Twitter is just like high school.
hot guys everywhere but none of them are having sex with me.
That moment when you write up a tweet and realize it would be inappropriate even on Twitter.
But you post it anyway.
I'm not changing as a person.
I'm unlocking the person I was always meant to be.
Someone unfollowed me.
Thank God I have 515 of you to fall back on. Thank you for sticking around. You make me smile. Not you. You're weird
I just got my first ever 10 star tweet.
I'm so happy I don't know whether I should call my mom or end it all.
If you're tweeting about how your kid is such an asshole, look in the mirror and you'll see where s/he gets it from.
I think I finally decided what I want to be when I grow up.
This is twitter. Creepy is sexy.
Apparently those orange cones all over the road aren't targets.
My friend just called me a prude.
I sent her my TL.
Pretty sure I won't be hearing from her again.
I've never gotten a trophy, but I have been blocked- and sorry y'all but I think earning a block is way cooler than a boring old trophy.
I want 800 followers before I go to sleep.
So which one of you wants to do the dirty RT work while I kick back with a bowl of ice cream?