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When I say I go to the gym religiously, that usually means every christmas and easter.
How to make an Asian mother instantly happy? Tell her you're at the library.
When we speak in a different language in front of you its not because we are talking about you. Its when I'm texting...that's when.
Yes, I checked; these tights aren't the ones that gives me a camel-toe.
Meeting my new kung-fu master tonight, got to take off the gold glittery nail polish if I want to be taken seriously.
My brother is funny. He calls me from jail and tells me to Facebook one of his former cellmates. HA HA HA. He gives me such a headache.
I've never seen anyone die from not having a job.
You know those parent's that save EVERYTHING about their kid? Mines have boxes of pinkslips, truancy writeups, and courtdate reminders.
Don't understand why I need to pay for a fishing license. This is gods natural green earth, is it not?
Oh well, the walk of shame is less shameful when you have a Porsche to walk up to.
Going to order my mother some ugly flowers for Mother's Day because I'm genetically bred to be under 5'5 with brown eyes and long hair.
What's the meaning to all of this bullshit anyway?
You so crazy! You ate yourself into glucose intolerance?! You silly obese type-2 diabetic person, you!
"...and why don't you have any babies yet?" Um, because I swallowed them all. #HappyMothersDay
That one text message that makes your heart explode with colorful Carebears? #Littlethings
When you're in your 30's, your idea of doing bad things is drinking Hendricks gin and ordering fried food.
I want a boyfriend that will introduce me as his "girlfriend with the ginormous titties" and respect. I also want respect.
I heard white guys got a thing for asian girls, so I squint extra hard whenever one walks by.
"What's SMH? Smash my head?" -My brother who started texting after 4 years in the Feds.
Ok, these jeans don't fit me. Know how I know? I can still breathe in them. #SkinnyJeans
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