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  • Cambodius
      Cambodius @Cambodius

    When I say I go to the gym religiously, that usually means every christmas and easter.

    • 51
    • FAVS
    TENEBRINI________FunnyInMyHeadDavidKlein5CBrwnzaustin_mopshushkabaab______markrijans________cloudshannon
    • 20
    • RETWEETS
    Favstar500Favsmarceelizgarthe_grumpy_onegoddessnessbigmikeymike7779jaB4RideQuietlyLuciBrook
    MrFornicator
  • Cambodius
      Cambodius @Cambodius

    How to make an Asian mother instantly happy? Tell her you're at the library.

    • 36
    • FAVS
    TENEBRINI________FunnyInMyHeadmike_checker______DrangulaMrFornicatorImaFlyontheWallcerdo____________CBrwnz
    • 2
    • RETWEETS
    tx_tineSendTulips________
  • Cambodius
      Cambodius @Cambodius

    When we speak in a different language in front of you its not because we are talking about you. Its when I'm texting...that's when.

    • 19
    • FAVS
    TENEBRINI________MrFornicatorJimGivitisImaFlyontheWallcerdo____________Beerhazejeff_ratfamily____parker287
    • 3
    • RETWEETS
    jrogasm__________21lawSendTulips________
  • Cambodius
      Cambodius @Cambodius

    Yes, I checked; these tights aren't the ones that gives me a camel-toe.

    • 18
    • FAVS
    TENEBRINI________ImaFlyontheWallcerdo____________jeff_ratfamily____SendTulips________UluwatuSiapCarmel_ColemanXangelfaceX
  • Cambodius
      Cambodius @Cambodius

    Meeting my new kung-fu master tonight, got to take off the gold glittery nail polish if I want to be taken seriously.

    • 13
    • FAVS
    TENEBRINI________hoopahoepBizarreLazarmike_checker______cerdo____________foodandwhiningSendTulips________Carmel_Coleman
    • 1
    • RETWEET
    mike_checker______
  • Cambodius
      Cambodius @Cambodius

    My brother is funny. He calls me from jail and tells me to Facebook one of his former cellmates. HA HA HA. He gives me such a headache.

    • 12
    • FAVS
    TENEBRINI________cerdo____________SendTulips________UluwatuSiapCarmel_ColemanXangelfaceXblunderbusser____Avepates
    • 1
    • RETWEET
    132_bpm
  • Cambodius
      Cambodius @Cambodius

    I've never seen anyone die from not having a job.

    • 12
    • FAVS
    mike_checker______MrFornicatorcerdo____________foodandwhiningSendTulips________UluwatuSiapCarmel_ColemanCabetoMejia
  • Cambodius
      Cambodius @Cambodius

    You know those parent's that save EVERYTHING about their kid? Mines have boxes of pinkslips, truancy writeups, and courtdate reminders.

    • 10
    • FAVS
    Drangulacerdo____________SendTulips________Carmel_Colemanblunderbusser____afrosandyamakasAvepatesvhstapes2
  • Cambodius
      Cambodius @Cambodius

    Don't understand why I need to pay for a fishing license. This is gods natural green earth, is it not?

    • 10
    • FAVS
    mike_checker______cerdo____________SendTulips________Carmel_Colemanblunderbusser____afrosandyamakasnirvana68________Dickensnyc
  • Cambodius
      Cambodius @Cambodius

    Oh well, the walk of shame is less shameful when you have a Porsche to walk up to.

    • 10
    • FAVS
    cerdo____________TheMedia411foodandwhiningSendTulips________UluwatuSiapCarmel_ColemanAvepatesnirvana68________
  • Cambodius
      Cambodius @Cambodius

    Going to order my mother some ugly flowers for Mother's Day because I'm genetically bred to be under 5'5 with brown eyes and long hair.

    • 9
    • FAVS
    mike_checker______cerdo____________SendTulips________Carmel_ColemanCabetoMejiaafrosandyamakasStumpWoodleynirvana68________
  • Cambodius
      Cambodius @Cambodius

    What's the meaning to all of this bullshit anyway?

    • 8
    • FAVS
    cerdo____________Kottyn_Kandee____MelAlmightyanjeanettecvaporcoffinNotJustJack______SendTulips________12inch_vertical__
    SendTulips________
  • Cambodius
      Cambodius @Cambodius

    You so crazy! You ate yourself into glucose intolerance?! You silly obese type-2 diabetic person, you!

    • 8
    • FAVS
    cerdo____________SendTulips________Carmel_ColemanCabetoMejiaafrosandyamakasjohnnydeeeee132_bpmMikeSchism
  • Cambodius
      Cambodius @Cambodius

    "...and why don't you have any babies yet?" Um, because I swallowed them all. #HappyMothersDay

    • 3
    • FAVS
    FredPollackboredandeasyTobiwuh
    • 4
    • RETWEETS
    Tinkbl67EggsSmokesExktuvwxyzTobiwuh
  • Cambodius
      Cambodius @Cambodius

    That one text message that makes your heart explode with colorful Carebears? #Littlethings

    • 3
    • FAVS
    cerdo____________noeloveUnicornSyrup
    • 4
    • RETWEETS
    haagendaz13devil_aka_pamenoeloveUnicornSyrup
  • Cambodius
      Cambodius @Cambodius

    When you're in your 30's, your idea of doing bad things is drinking Hendricks gin and ordering fried food.

    • 4
    • FAVS
    QCMercantileAvatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48
    • 2
    • RETWEETS
    QCMercantilecontrovershiL
  • Cambodius
      Cambodius @Cambodius

    I want a boyfriend that will introduce me as his "girlfriend with the ginormous titties" and respect. I also want respect.

    • 4
    • FAVS
    TPBullen__________theangrymedicTheShyPharmD______BoyCalledAnn
    • 2
    • RETWEETS
    TheShyPharmD______gnomesdeplume____
  • Cambodius
      Cambodius @Cambodius

    I heard white guys got a thing for asian girls, so I squint extra hard whenever one walks by.

    • 5
    • FAVS
    blazedavisTPBullen__________TheShyPharmD______Shock_Monster__ButWhyTheRum______
    • 1
    • RETWEET
    TheShyPharmD______
  • Cambodius
      Cambodius @Cambodius

    "What's SMH? Smash my head?" -My brother who started texting after 4 years in the Feds.

    • 4
    • FAVS
    WhyLazarusMayhemCzarcfishingJustLima
    • 2
    • RETWEETS
    WhyLazarusMayhemCzar
  • Cambodius
      Cambodius @Cambodius

    Ok, these jeans don't fit me. Know how I know? I can still breathe in them. #SkinnyJeans

    • 5
    • FAVS
    PimpinPillsTheShyPharmD______EricMartensuperseded_Tobiwuh
    • 1
    • RETWEET
    TheShyPharmD______
@Cambodius

@Cambodius