I don't think my black friends on Facebook have the same keyboard as me.

Nobody seeks approval like the guy walking back from the jukebox.

Sucks that I hate both songs they play on the radio.

I can't bring myself to punch my dad in the face but if he calls me bro one more time, I'm gonna buy him an Ed Hardy shirt so someone will.

Happy 3rd Birthday, Texaco hotdog on the far left of the roller!

On a scale of 1 to Adele, how tough was your breakup?

Questions for guys named Raphael:

1. What kind of artist are you?
2. Sucks that you're not a ninja turtle.
3. What's your boyfriend's name?

Since when do guys standing at the urinal hate back-rubs?

The old lady next to me smells like she bathes in older ladies.

Thought I saw a fat guy doing a killer air harmonica but it turns out he was just sneezing over and over.

Look hotdog stand lady- I don't care what your name is, you can't call the place Anne's Franks.

It takes a fucking genius to get my sarcasm.

I'm not gay but I'm definitely gayer than my dad.

Glad I'm not passive aggressive. Unlike some people I know.

"The key is to keep your palm flat while moving the carrot slowly toward its mouth."--Matthew Broderick on feeding Sarah Jessica Parker

More like Kneel Patrick Harris!

If only there was a way to get cash for all this gold I have lying around.

I'm on to you, fat girls with close-up pics of your face.

I think we’ve raised the roof far enough.

You would think the self checkout aisle would have more mirrors.