This pill bottle says 'Take with plenty of fluids' and 'Don't take with alcohol'.

That doesn't even make sense.

If I'm old enough to be your mother we can't date. Just kidding. Go ask for your allowance and buy me a drink.

I'm either really fucking hilarious or delusional. Doesn't matter. Both are fun.

I seriously need to get out of the house. Unless someone with alcohol is coming over for sex. In that case I seriously need to stay home.

Just heard noises in my apt. It's either mice or an intruder. Just to be safe I'm getting undressed and eating all the cheese.

I've found a diner. Or maybe it's a house. Either way this little old lady is cooking me breakfast.

In the middle of starfucking I'll see someone elses avi and start fucking them instead like the twitter whore I am.

My ex just told me he didn't like my long fingers because they made his cock look smaller. Ya, it was my fault.

When I started twitter I didn't know how much a RT meant. I appreciate it now like I never did before.

I'd pay you back. If you were funny

Being on twitter has made my spelling, grammar and vocabulary so much gooder.

Sometimes I don't understand you people at all. Then I get drunk and the whole world makes perfect sense.

I can't find my lighter. I can use the stove for my smoke but what do I do if a power ballad comes on?! This is serious.

Talk fucking English! - me, drunk to my alphabet soup.

Today at the liquor store I saw vodka that tastes like cake.

Apparently you can have your cake and drink it too.

I tried being tied up for sex but couldn't reach to masturbate. Guess it's a two person kind of thing.

Just walked eight houses past my own because I was playing on my phone. I'd make the worst homing pigeon ever.

I display my faults. Not to be judged, just to tell my story. If people don't like it, unfollow.

I like myself. That's all that matters.

I hate when I do things I don't regret.

The garbage man is late.

I think he's been cheating on me with some other piece of trash.

Stick you hand in the freezer before you masturbate so it feels like a Canadian is doing it.