Watching other people's homemade porn makes me feel much better about my own butt pimples.

I like to show my appreciation for your tweets from time to time. Would you rather have a star or a blow job?

That's right ... I'm biting the nipples off all the Hersey's Kisses!

Woman at WalMart suddenly popped up and told me I have a beautiful figure. I was flattered, then remembered I was at WalMart.

One day I'm going to make something of my life ... right after I'm finished with Twitter.

Maybe I'm a bad mother, but I am so ready for this girl to go to sleep and just stop talking.

Twitter, where you can be friends with people young enough to be your kids without it being all creepy and shit.

I need to get busy. I've not said a damned thing worthy of @fistacuff 's approval today ...

Damn, it a good thing I didn't take two Benadryl. Wait a minute. Is Benadryl the brand name for roofies?

If I spit, it means I don't really like you.

I am secretly a gay man in the body of a middle-aged mother, except that my back door is definitely closed for business.

Update: Lunch was warm, moist and tasty ... oh, wait, that's my vagina.

Confidence can make the plain attractive, arrogance makes the beautiful repulsive.

Note to Self: Do not do anything that necessitates seeing HR today. Did she bathe in the perfume? #lingeringdeath

"Stop complaining about being in the dark. You have the light from mommy's Twitter."

I'm scared to open any of your photos while the children are in the same room. Thanks, Twitter.

Someone is fake crying in my house. I am now going to fake that I care by shouting, "what the hell is wrong with you now?"

Sure, she may be real, but I'm an unusually attractive assemblage of pixels.

"You can't miss someone you never met." The hell I can't.

Lunch was delicious, but now I can practically hear my ass growing.