"Fuck it." - Someone who is about to do something brilliant

You can laugh at anything no matter how crude or tasteless it is as long as you say, "That's fucked up" afterwards.

I've quit drinking many times. It's called sleeping.

I'm thinking about getting my "No Regrets" tattoo removed.

Jesus Loves You! He also loves Justin Bieber and the girl who wrote the Twilight books, so don't act all uppity about it.

If I could have sex with anyone, living or dead, I'd probably pick living.

It's not gay if you pretend to be passed out.

I'm a gentleman. I always open the trunk for my dates.

A police officer told me I was under arrest. Which was weird, because I'm white.

When a couple breaks up on Facebook I always "like" it. Just to let the clingy one obsess over my motive for doing it.

I'm off to my gfs with vodka and condoms. It's like a scene out of To Catch A Predator. I hope Chris Hansen is in the kitchen with cookies.

Dear Santa, I heard you were gay. If that's the case, then I expect much higher quality sweaters this year.

My internet is being slower than Stephen Hawking in a potato sack race.

Steve Buscemi looks like Steve Buscemi with Down Syndrome.

When someone introduces me to their new pet, I always say, "He has your eyes" because I think it's funny.

Don't ever underestimate someone who kills anyone who underestimates them.

Being skinny does not equal being attractive. Stop taking so many pictures of yourself, scrawny bitch.

I sent my sex tape to America's Funniest Home Videos.

If someone rolls over in their grave, they're probably still alive.

My dog loves me for who I am. The large animal that opens the bag of crunchy stuff that keeps him alive.