BF kept pressuring me for anal. So I bought a strap-on and demanded to go first so I could show him how I like it. The topic is now closed.

When someone says "I don't get Twitter, it's pointless" I nod solemnly and agree, "Seems like a waste of time."
Then I tweet about them.

A review of my sex toy collection reveals it's time to introduce either a new item or a fresh partner.

Good morning! Can anyone recommend a good breakfast wine?

BFF tasks when I die: clear my cache, gracefully position my limbs, remove all adult toys before my family arrives to fight over my stuff.

I'm being distracted by my own cleavage today. If my neck was longer or my boobs were bigger, I'd totally motorboat myself.

Need to run errands, not sure why I'm procrasturbating here.

I have the most wonderful pair of stilettos: they look best in the air.
That is all. Carry on.

Twitter is like the relationship you know isn't going anywhere but the sex is smoking hot so you loiter around for a while and wear it out.

I'm going to have to sue Hump Day for false advertising.

I declined a date last night and instead went to have dinner & drinks w/ friends. My transformation to spinster cat-lady is almost complete.

I need minions.

With a bridge pass. That's how I toll.

Goodnight Twitter, thank you for NOT having Farmville, Mafia, Fish, Hearts and other ridiculous bullshit which makes me homicidal. Smooches!

I fought w/ Monday. Well, not really: Monday put its hand against my forehead holding me at arm's length as my fists windmilled in thin air.

Around here, it looks like nudity and laziness win. Sweet.

Soon, I will be at home pantsless and mixing a cocktail.
Just like the good Lord intended.

All I can tell you about hooking is on a need-a-ho basis.

Alright, which dick unfollowed me? Fucker.

This project ... God help me... every day it's like the starting gun went off at the Special Olympics.