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I keep having intrusive thoughts about Freddy Krueger and Edward Scissorhands discussing masturbation techniques.
I like a guy who drives me around. Not because I love chivalry, but because I'm lazy.
Product placement in politics: "I'll remove the stain of corruption as fast as Tide Detergent removes those stubborn shirt stains."
Why is it a foot fetish and not a feet fetish? Only one particular foot arouses these weirdos?
In museums I ask the staff "Do you have this in purple? Are there any matching curtains? How many of these can you get me before Wednesday?"
Ever since I got a ferret stapled to my chest, men can't help staring at my boobies!
No one will make a movie based on your life if the vending machine kept your change. The vending machine must kill your father.
Mickey Mouse wears gloves because he doesn't want to leave his fingerprints in the crime scene.
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
Excuse me, where's the bathroom in this mall? "I'm not gonna tell you, because I'm the master of suspense", said Hitchcock.
I've circumcised Pinocchio with a pencil sharpener.
I suspected I had something serious when the doctor handed me a brochure entitled "Living Without Testicles".
Okay, fine, there is no right or wrong. So... What word should we use to acknowledge that I won this argument?
"Penis envy women they have." - Freud Yoda
You should stay away from women. We're bad. We'll screw you. Or refuse to screw you.
Batman Superman Spiderman Clergyman
"TIMMY FELL DOWN THE WELL! TIMMY FELL DOWN THE WELL! TIMMY FELL DOWN THE WELL! CRACKER! SQUAWK!" - If Lassie had been a parrot.
As the feminist protesters gathered, the reporter shouted "let's interview the one with the bigger boobs!"
There is no "i" in mucus.
I'm terrified of watermelons.
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