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I'm not "undressing" you with my eyes, I'm "fucking you doggy style with a finger in your ass while I'm pulling your hair"
Big difference.
Whenever I start feeling spontaneous, my bank account quietly reminds me to calm the fuck down.
Just walked into my boss's office, threw down a stack of coloring books on his desk, and said "I need these done by 3:00 today"
Don't tell me you are into kinky shit and then get all freaked out when I put on my Darth Vader mask and piss all over your stomach.
Before you go thinking I'm white trash maybe I should remind you that there's wine inside this styrofoam cup.
I hate when I'm looking in my refrigerator and can't find what I want. Like perfect abs and happiness.
Can't believe that it's the year 2012 and I still have to bend down to pick shit up.
Maybe the Nazis wouldn't have been such assholes if they weren't left hanging for all their high fives.
You know you fucked her good when she can't move or say shit after, she can only give you a high five.
I always tell my step-ladder that it's not my real ladder to keep it in check.
A guy cut in line at 7-11. I was gonna say something, but then I saw that he had on a "No Fear" shirt and those guys aren't scared of shit
Don't act like if your dog started licking your asshole while you were fucking that you would be pissed.
When I was a kid, we had an effective anti-bullying measure. It was called not being a fucking pussy.
SHOW ME IN MY NEW HIRE PACKET WHERE IT SAYS I CAN'T LISTEN TO SOME GODDAMN CHRISTMAS MUSIC AND LIFT WEIGHTS IN MY FUCKING CUBICLE!
You probably recognize me from the unemployment line.
