I'm not lonely. That telemarketer was just very interesting.

alright show of retweets, who dips their french fries in their Wendy's frosty too?

Just woke up from a 8 hour planking session

I love it when people say to let it go. I always think of me holding them off a cliff and letting go, seems to make me feel better

So on my last day of work I've decided to burn some toast, microwave sea food and then burn a bag of pop corn. It just feels right.

Golf isn't a game for somebody that picks up on every chance to say a sexual innuendo

Anyone else think it's an awful coincidence that this Clark Kent guy disappears whenever Superman shows up? Talk about shitty luck.

Tried to have an intelligent conversation but everyone kept staring at me.

Apparently you can't talk to yourself around here.

My deodorant's instructions said: remove cap and push up bottom. I can barely walk but whenever I fart the room smells great.

Anyone else want to bring the monocle back?

@jphaddadio funny enough "you aren't as ugly as your friend" doesn't work either.

Before marriage I knew the right answer, I could dress myself, I could make plans and I could make a decision At least I think, let me check

They say if you love something set it free. So I took the cat for a 4 hour drive and set it free. Let's see if it comes back to me.

I have a rule with my kids. You can kiss me but don't touch me with your dirty hands.

Just check and it's beer'o'clock you're welcome

Parks and nature would be so much better with outlets and free wifi.

Wife's getting freaked out and nervous. Can't wait for her to be able to breath again and whooosaw her way through it. Couple hours to go

Dont look, shh, dont' look. I said don't look.




I'm pretty sure I'm being followed

People at this buffet are so rude. All I said was since your up could you get me another plate. Gees

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Who's pissed about this tweet. RT to show it!