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When Peter Parker cooks rice does he cry while holding the Uncle Ben's box?
Someone just asked me what iced tea is made out of and now I don't want to live on this planet anymore.
Sometimes I call men Nintendo Cartridges because they never function without a good blow.
Glow in the dark breast implants. Great idea or greatest idea ever?
Coffee allows me to make bad decisions faster.
I thought Rick Santorum didn't support pulling out.
Just checked my voice mail for the first time in 3 months and now I know all my friends are alcoholics with bad singing skills.
I'm on the Single Women's Diet. It includes not being taken out to dinner. It's doing wonders on my figure.
Ever tried to hi-five a German girl and she accidentally heils?
Next time you see a couple holdings hands pretend it's the finish line to a marathon and plow right through those suckers. You're a champ!
I wish penis tasted like bacon.
Does anyone else have panic attacks while playing Tetris?
DRINK. SEX. CRY. REPEAT.
I'm displaying the Human Centipede Nativity scene this year. Jesus is in the middle.
I bet Ryan Gosling could beat you at a staring contest and steal your girlfriend at the same time.
Why pay for dating sites when you can just start a Twitter account?
I can't help but laugh when young girls buy pregnancy tests crying.
Everclear is for those nights when you've never tried Everclear.
I think we should honor Veterans Day by beating up a member of the Westboro Baptist Church.
Some guy walked past me and farted TWICE. I think that means he likes me.
21 year old Graphic Designer who writes jokes on Twitter. If youre not impressed yet then i dont know what to tell you.