Me: "How do you find Will Smith in the snow?" Simon: "That's racist" oh god the answer was look for fresh prints LOOK FOR FRESH PRINTS

I'm forming a band. It's called The Gametes, because sex cells.

"I got a photo with REM. Here, have a look. That's me in the corner."

One time, I heard a girl describe French as "Just like English, but in French."

Oman! I was Hungary but this Turkey is covered in Greece! Norway am I eating it. Czech if I can get a refund Denmark it down for later.

If inventing the plane is wrong, I don't wanna be Wright

"See you later, alligator." "In a while... Dickhead." #notgoingout

One time when I hadn't been on Twitter long MC Hammer followed me and when I told mum she made me block him

Moffat says we've missed a clue in Sherlock. Personally, I think it was when Sherlock said "John, my suicidal identical twin's coming over."

Hello. I wrote a book, it's called Doctor Parsons. It has zombies and love and flashbacks. Please take a look <3  http://caracompass.bigcartel.com/product/doctor-parsons …

11:59 - "May the four - " 00:00 *begins choking* "REVENGE OF THE FIFTH"

Bought a whiteboard for my to do list pic.twitter.com/kNktfFaV9h

Valentine more like gurl you're lookin valenFINE

Tralalalalalala I hope something you love catches on fire

"You're him off the Bible aren't you?" #RedDwarf @reddwarfquotes

What up @serafinowicz #PSQA pic.twitter.com/Zih3TCyp

I've just been statistically proven to be the most popular item in a bakery. I guess you could call me a roll modal

you wouldn't download a ghost

I'm surprised Coldplay aren't singing Para, Para, ParaLYMPICCCSSSS

Moosh: "Oh there he is, just walking right past us." Me: "I will BEKN him over." Bekn: "I was just having a BROWS."