I realized I may be an aggressive driver upon hearing my 4yo yell “pick a lane asshole” from his little car-shaped grocery cart.

I read somewhere men love to be woken up by oral sex.

So I surprised my husband by sitting on his face.

There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I'll kill you all.

Have we tried unplugging coma victims and plugging them in again?

Works for my computer.

Studies show that everytime you masturbate, you add 5 minutes to your life.

I'm fucking immortal.

My orgasm face is pretty much the same as my looking-over-my-shoulder-while-backing-up-the-car face.

My son got in trouble at school because he shoved two boys that were bullying a smaller girl.

Is ice cream a punishment?

A walk of shame is always sad. Don't make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.

I don't care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I'm more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.

Remove my dress.
Good.
Now slowly unhook my bra.
Nice...
Take off my panties.
Mmm, great..




NOW DON'T EVER WEAR MY FUCKING CLOTHES AGAIN!

I'm hiding all my porn on VHS. Even if my kids find it, they won't know what to do with it.

Let's be honest. The only reason I listen to my voicemail messages is to make the fucking icon disappear.

Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?

This is God thanking them for bacon.

"I think we should start touching other people."

-Blind couple breaking up.

If Jesus was on Twitter and he retweeted you, you'd be like "Woopty doo... 12 Followers. Loser."

McDonald’s steps
1) Get really excited about it
2) Eat it
3) Regret eating it
4) Wish you were dead
5) Repeat in a few months

My favourite machine at the gym is the television.

"Btw, I faked all my LOLs & my LMAOs"

- The end of a Twitter relationship

If there's a hole in your relationship, a slut will find it.

Do the Chinese realize that when they're visiting America, they buy souvenirs made in their own country?