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If I order a dessert with two spoons, it's not to share. It's merely to double my ingesting speed.
I asked my boyfriend to pick up a box of tampons at the store and he said "OK", but by his tone of voice, I'm 100% sure he spelled it "K".
No words are safe inside my mouth.
While eating candy, my "sharing window" is directly proportional to the amount of green, yellow and orange candies I have left.
"I'm lost inside your eyes"
"Sorry! Go up the optic nerve, turn right at the retina, continue until you see the cornea & exit at the pupil"
Fell asleep drunk & fully dressed after attending a wedding yesterday but the silver lining is I woke up ready for my nephew's baptism.
I've never been "lost shoe wrapped around electrical wire" drunk.
Trolls navigate Twitter like a minefield. They step on all of us until they set one off. Then they watch it explode.
If Subway employees insist on calling themselves "sandwich artists", does it mean my sandwich is worth more after I kill them?
99.9% of your Facebook comments make me hate you even more.
If I ever won millions, I wouldn't be the kind of girl to go to work the next day & quit my job.
I'd send my butler to do that for me.
My boyfriend prefers to have sex in the morning so I always give him 10 minutes of privacy.
"Can I salvage this situation?"
-me, looking in the mirror, every morning.
My kids have made the word "leftovers" disappear from my everyday vocabulary.
Wouldn't be surprised if they ate it.
I'm warning you. I have a black belt.
I also have a red one, a yellow one, a blue one and pretty much all colors.
I like to accessorize.
I leave glasses of water everywhere like in the movie Signs.
Except it's not for aliens. It's so I'll have water no matter where I pass out.
You say "shared custody", I say "free babysitter that takes the kids half the time".
Coworker: "You look very tired this morning. Are you ok?"
Me: "I'm fine. Didn't sleep well. Thank you for your passive-aggressive concern."
I'm a mother, I'm a lover. I advertise by day & make cakes by night. Ask your dad if you can follow me. He does. Yo soy french. http://favstar.fm/users/Carbosly
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