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Violence is never the answer.
Unless the question is "What is never the answer?"
I went shopping today because all purses were 70% off so I bought 3 dresses, a Spring coat and matching shoes.
I really think I may never answer a phone again.
You know you're OCD when even your crime has to be organized.
Parenting tip: if you make your kids cry right after eating, you can save money on wet-naps.
My boys are playing computer games and are rooting for each other to fail.
(I hope my favorite kid wins)
As a kid, I was amused by a stick.
My kids will get up for a drone w/ integrated magnetometer GPS & autonomous propellers.
If you're lucky.
I got freshly baked cookies cooling by the window.
Happy Canada Day! 🇨🇦
Feel free to party hard!
Free health care has got your back.
If I were a Jenny Craig spokesperson, I'd probably sign the contract then eat it so they'd know exactly who they're dealing with.
Customer service is basically you telling the story of why you want a refund to every single employee until one of them agrees with you.
"No, no, that's fine. Break me to buy a stupid pack of gum. It's not big deal."
- Petty cash
I tried killing a spider & it fell behind the couch & I'm pretty sure I'll wake up half eaten & dead & wrapped in a cocoon tomorrow morning.
"I'm full. Can I have the rest to go please?"
- Me, never.
Last night, I wrote the most amazing 141 characters tweet.
It was fucking hilarious.
"Orange is the new black???"
(Rachel Dolezal goes tanning, moves to Florida & starts freshly squeezing herself every morning.)
I'm a mother, I'm a lover. I advertise by day & make cakes by night. Ask your dad if you can follow me. He does. Yo soy french. http://favstar.fm/users/Carbosly
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