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This joke format, but funny.
A ninja, but to catch my phone before it hits the floor.
Whenever I receive a postcard that says "Wish you were here", I just skip around my house eating pizza in my underwear & think "Nope!".
Babe? Is it time to have sex?
no no no
no \_ no
no no no
Sometimes I wonder why I'm still single and then I remember I keep dating assholes.
My lovers get so much sex from me they go to strip clubs to discuss their feelings.
I have trouble getting out of bed even when you're not in it.
Maybe it's the 600 thread count instead of the 8 in. dick count after all.
If I were a computer hacker, I'd probably use my gift to reroute most pizza delivery to my house.
My son woke me up at 4 am to ask me what clouds taste like.
Apparently, " bjhcvzsgbbbjjdx hmm fscjbdhjknmkkgdx" is an acceptable answer.
Can you imagine how batshit crazy the tabloids would be if Billy Joel's house burnt down and he accidentally started it?
Relationship status: sent a warning to my neighbors that I was having sex tonight.
I'm rather unhappy with this ratio of salad/things-I-actually-want-to-eat in my plate right now.
Fool me once, fuck you.
Stephanie at work has chosen her wedding colors.
Lavender & white are now off the market.
I repeat, psycho bitch now owns lavender & white.
These people at the bus stop are all frowning.
Not sure if they're pissed because it's Monday or because I ran them over with my car.
My walk of shame is deleting men's contact info from my iPhone.
I'm a mom, I'm a lover, I'm a hoot. I advertise by day & make cakes by night. Ask your dad if you can follow me. He does. http://favstar.fm/users/Carbosly