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If you throw me in a meeting before I've had time to get myself a coffee, "no" is pretty much all you'll get out of me.
My ex's sexual prowess was like my dancing.
One boring move, several speeds.
The best perk of being promoted is getting your own office to fart in peace.
I knew I loved you before I met you.
*At a red light, looking at this man blow leaves all over the place.
"YOUR BLOW JOB SUCKS!!!"
*drives away slowly, whistling tunelessly.
Folding my pizza slice in half before eating it is the extent of my origami skillz.
If you think "2 girls, 1 cup" was gross, you haven't seen my home movie of "1 girl, 1 pizza".
If I were a computer hacker, I'd probably use my talent to reroute all pizza deliveries to my house.
Things can always be worse.
Just remember, it could've been 2 cups, 1 girl.
This new diet is working out great.
I've already lost the will to live.
Netscape Explorer asking to be my default browser is like my boyfriend asking for anal sex.
I admire your guts. But no fucking way.
I've been shocked before, but never "drop my glass in the middle of a sentence" shocked.
Sorry, Toast. It's business, not personal. We just decided to cut the middle man.
- meeting between Toast, Knife & Nutella.
"Hi. Does this chloroform smell like we're having sex tonight?"
-my most successful pickup line
If I were in the army, simply having to deal with rationed portions would turn me into a force to be reckoned with.
It's Monday and I found chips & chocolate in the office kitchen.
If anyone needs me, I'll be fat.
It's all fun & games until someone flips the table.
I have good hygiene, but not "brush my teeth at the office after eating lunch" good hygiene.
Stephanie on FB wants to know if this week will ever end.
IN JUST NOW: Carbosly on Twitter wants to know if Stephanie can STFU & die.
I'm a mom, I'm a lover, I'm a hoot. I advertise by day & make cakes by night. Ask your dad if you can follow me. He does. http://favstar.fm/users/Carbosly