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Let me just punch your face until it's Feng Shui.
Religion is the most powerful & destructive weapon ever engineered by men.
My draft folder is ashamed of me.
Marriage is all about balance.
Spend as much money on your divorce as you did on your wedding.
"Footprints" is a poem about how, despite walking on water, Jesus can't walk on sand.
If I ever start writing poetry on Twitter, do know it will be a cry for help.
My Twitter goal is to transform my handle into a verb.
As in : you fucking carboslyed the shit out of that tweet.
It's very important to keep your family and your job separate.
So my kids don't know I have a job.
"I'm not really boarding a plane. I'm just here for the body search."
-Me, flirting at the airport.
They should sell bagel holes.
That way I can make tiny sandwiches & pretend I'm a giant when I eat them.
The cyclist who thought he was a car.
- A memoir
Make-up sex is basically just me putting on makeup until someone wants to fuck me.
Today I woke up full of energy.
I want to clean the house, go for a run & cook spaghetti sauce.
Don't worry. I'll sleep that shit off.
It's cute how cable tv tries to hide the curse words by muting them out.
It's not like I'm not used to people mouthing "fuck you" to me.
My boss signed me up for a Twitter tutorial.
The mall looks like we transformed Santa into a piñata, beat the shit out of him until he exploded everywhere.
I drop my phone on my face all the time except when I'm in my bath.
Conclusion: phone wants to hurt me but not enough to die in the process.
I think Nature Valley has unrealistic expectations of how many people actually go forest-deep to eat their product.
I'm a mom, I'm a lover, I'm a hoot. I advertise by day & make cakes by night. Ask your dad if you can follow me. He does. http://favstar.fm/users/Carbosly