Why do strippers give themselves fake names? You're showing your asshole for $1, nobody cares if your real name is Jen.

I believe my daughters' fondest childhood memories will be of me staring at my iPhone.

My dick likes to act all hard, but he's actually really sensitive.

My favorite scene in The Avengers is when Scarlett Johansson.

Lots of guys fantasize in the shower... Pretty sure I'm the only one pretending to be a Transformer while I'm in there though.

Too bad Batman isn't real, but psychopath villains are. Sad day for a sick world.

If Americas Funniest Home Videos taught me anything in preparation for fatherhood it's this: Protect your balls at all times.

I hate when the zipper on my hoodie makes a stomach boner.

Every long term relationship hits an experimental phase in the bedroom. Sometimes its hot, other times its "Let's never speak of this again"

Guess what guys?! I just made a huge breakthrough!!! Turns out, using lots of "!" is a great way of hiding clinical depression!!!!!!!

The best tweets are the ones you read twice.

The best tweets are the ones you read twice.

I'm hiding under the covers playing with my iPhone because I'm a grown man and a father.

So basically, God made the earth in 6 days, took a personal day, and never showed up to work again.

Has anyone spoken to "the hand" recently?

I may not be the cutest, or the smartest, or the funniest, or the richest, or the tallest, or the fittest, or the bravest, or the fastest or

Fuck you email that isn't a new follower alert.

Love each other.

Sounds simple. Incredibly difficult.

My brain is gonna wear sweatpants all weekend.

Wife wants to know how many twitter accounts I have. As if the combination of 1 account and marriage isn't enough rejection for me.

Just give me 3 seconds to picture what your face looks like during sex and I'll fall in love with you.